On June 21, 2007 I married the man of my dreams.  Today is our one week anniversery   - but it feels like we've been married forever, not in a bad way but in an incredibly right and good way.  Our relationship has always been characterized by a significant lack of that giddy, can't eat or drink, all consuming infatuation kind of emotion.  Instead we've just been comfortable, confident, and content in our relationship....right from day one.  Last thursday was exciting because we made our already life-long commitment to each other legal, but there was no marked change in the way our relationship felt.  It just is - if that makes sense.  We're us.  We've always been us.  We're extremely happy being us.  And now we're a "married" us.

 

Life is good....and it seems to be getting better and better every day!

Yellow Springs Village is not your ordinary hustling little back woods town.  No children laugh in the square, no cars drive by on its roads, and no coal trucks run up and down it’s inclined planes from coal shaft at mountain top to railroad service in the valley below…. at least not if you survey the village with your eyes open.  But when you close them and envision the town as it was once one hundred years ago before it was abandoned, it has all the life of any early 1900’s coal town.

Walking along the Appalachian Trail through a section known as St. Anthony’s wilderness, you pass through the remains of Yellow Springs Village and the piles of rubble that were once stone foundations.  You walk by abandoned, dried up wells that now have logs laid across the top to keep curious passers by from stumbling in them unaware.  And if you’re feeling adventurous, you can walk up the side of the mountain to the old coal shaft, the stone tower that stood just at it’s Northern most rim, and follow the incredible incline plane down the either side of the mountain and imagine what it would’ve been like to push or pull a coal truck over the rough, rocky, makeshift access road to and from the mine.  It’s an incredible journey back in time – and a shock to the computer softened brain to realize that this was built and run all by work worn hands and horse strong backs; it reminds of what “man power” truly means and that at one time it was the hard labor of industrious men who defined, built, and ran this country.

Well, after two long years of waiting for John's divorce to be finalized (well, he's actually been waiting five years, I've only been waiting with him for two of that) it has finally happened!  I've been trying not to get too excited.....it feels somehow like I could jinx it by talking about it or planning our wedding, or posting about it here, and cause some disasterous turn of events to occur that would once again put us into a perpetual, unavoidable, holding pattern like we've been in since he proposed in August of 2005.  I want to feel excited - you know, the run through the streets shouting and skipping and jumping for joy kind of excited - but because of the lingering fear that something will destroy this little island of joy we've been allowed to experience I am instead simply allowing myself to bask in the warm glow that is radiating inside - filling me with an incredible peaceful kind of joy over the knowledge that we will be together every day now, quietly and comfortably and perfectly joined as lifelong partners....not just planning to spend the rest of our lives together, but fully committed to it.  Aside from the joy of giving birth to my children, nothing has ever made me as happy as the time I spend with John. 

• It’s amazing to realize that one is truly capable of walking twenty miles in a day.  
• It’s even more amazing to realize that one is truly capable of walking twenty miles in a day with a 40 pound pack strapped to their back.
• It’s even MORE amazing to know that this can be done in 98 degree weather with a dew point of 80-90%.

Twenty miles sounds impressive doesn’t it?  One of the things we realized on our Appalachian Trail trip, thanks to our handy dandy GPS, is that a trail mile is not necessarily equivalent to a real, honest to goodness mile.  Nope – in most cases it’s LONGER.  We still haven’t figured out quite how the mileage for this trail was measured and mapped out, but we can tell you that who ever did it – did it WRONG.  The first day was mapped at 13.4 miles, but our GPS odometer had us at 19.4 when we arrived at our camp.  We have realized since returning home that the GPS is really good at getting you to specific coordinates but is not so accurate when it comes to working as an odometer – but even with the work we’ve done to rectify the discrepancies our actual walking distance on every leg of our trip was longer than the distance the map claimed it would be. 

 

However, now that we’ve cleaned up the GPS tracks I’m not as impressed with the more accurate 61 total miles as I was when I thought it was 74.....I think I'll just play dumb and use the original readings when I tell people just how far we really hiked!!!

Today is the final day of preparation for our seven day backpacking trip along a section of the AT here in Pennsylvania.  We'll leave this evening, loaded down by 45-50 lb packs and buoyed up by the promise of great adventure.  After all, the AT is the oldest trail still in existence in the US and the history that we’ll be walking through on our little stretch includes numerous remains of outposts used to warn settlements of Indian attacks, rest places for the Indian translator Conrad Weiser, the remains of the long dead mining town Rausch Gap, and so much more.  What is most incredible though is that when you’re hiking along with nothing but thoughts to occupy your mindless wandering you can feel the ghosts of these places, and if you allow them to slip into your soul they are all to happy to transport you back in time and share a glimpse of what was.  This is the hope for our journey; that we can step out of the mundane and into the novel reprieve of an overactive imagination unfettered by the demands of an adult life.

 

Wish us well!  When we return I promise to share a taste of the adventure we’ve encountered along the way.

I don't remember the last time I was so relieved to be done with something.  This week was final's week and I had papers due, exams, and presentations.....but today at 2PM it all came to an end.  Everything is done.  Everything is turned in.  Everything is over.....for a few weeks at least.  I feel like I can breath again and now I'm ready to go hiking and camping and get out of the house.  Mid-June it all starts again - but it should be easier since I've transfered into an exceptional distance education degree program.  The flexibility in the schedule and the fact that I will only have one class per six week cycle should take some of the strain off.  Well, except for the fact that I'm back to the drawing board with my book and working towards actually getting to a point I can send it to a publisher.  For some reason I've always got too many projects going on.  Maybe I like stress?????  I suppose it could be an addiction I don't recognize............ I'll have to give that one some thought.

I don't remember the last time I've felt so completely burnt out.  I'm going to school full-time, my business has now got me working over sixty hours a week, the kids have me running, and I'm trying to keep up with meals, grocery shopping, and family time on the weekends.  I've refused to do any type of work at all on the weekends, but I don't know if I can keep avoid it any longer.  I litterally can not get everything done that needs to be done between Monday and Friday.  I had intended to take more classes over the summer, but right now I'm feeling like I'm going to kill myself if I try to do it.  I need to have time to focus on the business and not be pulled in so many different directions.  I need to work on a term paper tonight, but my brain feels so frazzled I don't know if I can pull it off. 

 

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!

 I went to a dinner tonight in honor of a woman (Lyn) who is the state president of an organization I belong to.  I met Lyn two years ago at our state convention when she approached me after a lecture I gave with tears in her eyes and thanked me for delivering a message that she despritely needed to hear - it was the only thing that had broken through the pain of losing her husband and she felt for the first time like she would be alright.  Tonight she shared with me that it was my lecture that allowed her to begin the healing process.  She then went on to share with me that our NE Regional Director had been in my lecture this past year (which I knew) and that she'd raved about it saying that I had a gift and she'd never been so moved by a personal growth workshop in her life (which I didn't know).  I left the dinner tonight filled with a renewed passion for an activity that I love and don't do enough of - motivational speaking.  It was a wonderful little reminder that life simply is not satisfying when you aren't doing the things that move you and that if nothing else our goal in life should be to find and pursue our passions - those things that give meaning and purpose to life and that fill us with a sense of satisfaction.  Now...I just need to remember that!

It's not often that I allow myself to dream - you know, like when you totally let go of restraints, throw caution to the wind, and allow yourself to get caught up in the feeling that it could really happen.  The last couple of days I've indulged my spirit however and it's felt good.  In fact it has felt so good that I've decided dreaming big, unrealistic, crazy dreams is a healthy activity.  It's never really dawned on me before that the bigger and crazier the dream the more compelled we are to work toward it.  I'm sure you've all heard of "The Secret"; it's a masterfully packaged and marketed version of the universal law of attraction.  But The Secret is no secret - it's just the lost art of dreaming big and believing in power of the vision.  When you want something badly enough and you allow it to consume your every waking moment you can't help but manifest it in your life.  Why?  Because of the simple fact that it DOES consume you.  I suppose you could define it as tenacity or single-mindeness, but however you define it the implication is clear: if you can dream it you can achieve it.  The biggest enemy to achieving our dreams is being "realistic".  In order to truly achieve your dreams you have to be completely unrealistic and unfettered with the restraints imposed by those who have failed to realize their dreams. 

For the first time in my life I have some sense of what it must be like to be bi-polar.  I’ve never experienced anything quite as dramatic as the shift I made the other day from being completely dysfunctional to being alright; it was if someone flipped a switch and the overwhelming emotions that had been plaguing me were shut off.  I’ve had my bouts with depression over the years, but it has always been marked by a very slow – almost imperceptible - slide into them, and then just as slow a rise out of them.  This however was nothing even remotely close; the hypnotist snapped his fingers and sent me into an emotional tail-spin, and then snapped them again to instantly put me back on the beam. 

 

It feels good to be my typical cranky, stressed self.  In fact I’ve come to decide that cranky beats depressed any day!

Maybe it’s just that my hormones haven’t balanced out yet, but I’m feeling completely dysfunctional.  I skipped my classes yesterday because I didn’t feel ready to rejoin the world, and now this morning I’m showered, dressed, and ready to walk out the door….but actually trying to walk out the door has triggered a full-blown panic attack; hyperventilating, sweaty palms, racing heart, crying, dizziness……

Now I’m sitting here at my computer staring at the screen.  Allowing myself to stay home has quelled the symptoms of my panic attack but has stirred up all sorts of other issues.  I have classes to go to, clients to work with, children to raise…..I can’t avoid this stuff for another day – I don’t have that luxury. 

I guess this is what’s called living in NOW.  I don’t want to be told that things will get better – I know that.  I don’t want to be told that I’ll be alright – I know that too.  Right now the knowledge that things will improve is no consolation.  I want to wallow.  I don’t have the time to wallow.  I want to be allowed to be sad and miserable and dysfunctional.  I don’t feel like I can afford to allow myself to be any of that.  I want to be weak.  I want to be strong.  I guess I’ve never realized how tormented we can become when our emotional and intellectual sides battle for dominance and control.

Well, the unthinkable has happened again; I've had a second miscarriage.  I'm numb.  For some reason the first one was not nearly as traumatic for me either physically or emotionally; it felt like a disappointment more than a loss.  This time it feels like an immense and profound loss, not just of a baby but almost of hope itself.  We've agreed that we'll try one more time, but I'm almost paralyzed with fear by the thought that things could end the same way.  I wonder how it is that I've had two healthy pregnancys with children I didn't plan for, and now that I"m trying to have one I can't.  It's a cruel joke.  I feel empty...literally and figuratively; something precious has been ripped out of me that can never be replaced.

I swear I have some sort of paranoia psychosis and it really disturbs me.  Ever since I was a child I’ve been very self-conscious and insecure.  Any comments or laughter that were made at my expense sent me into an obsessive-compulsive rumination about what I’d done and how to avoid it in the future.  My fear was always that I’d made myself look stupid and idiotic, which only perpetuated my feelings of insecurity. 

 

In my early twenties I began to develop a thicker skin and was able to brush off much of what had bothered me growing up.  As my social network grew, so did my self-confidence.  It was a wonderful time of freedom, lightness, joy, and fun.  It was a time I’d like to reclaim.

 

In the past two years I’ve discovered that I’ve slid backwards in my progress, and my self-esteem and confidence are truly at an all-time low.  My internal and emotional response to issues with my soon to be in-laws was my first warning sign that somehow I’d lost the ground I made through my twenties.  And now I’m finding that silly remarks and giggles that ensue from my much younger class mates in college following comments I make during our discussions are having a profoundly negative impact on my psyche as well.  It’s an unwelcome deja vous; finding that trivial and insignificant events are yet again sending me into OC ruminations as they did when I was an adolescent.

 

Today offered yet another instance of this incredibly stupid paranoia psychosis and I left school feeling completely at a loss as to why I’m like this again.  It is not pleasant, it is not desirable, it is not healthy, and it isn’t rational.  I KNOW that it’s a completely irrational response to triggers that most people wouldn’t think twice about – and yet I can’t seem to get over it. 

 

I hate it.  I don’t want to be like this.  I want my confidence back.

 

As I was thinking about all this today there were two things that came to me which I believe need to be addressed:

 

The first is the fact that my previous marriage was characterized by eight years of my husband constantly telling me that I was irrational, overly emotional, and delusional every time my perspective or opinion differed even slightly from his.  I began that relationship a confident and self-secure woman and left it an empty shell.  I think I have some emotional wounds from that relationship that are not yet healed and any little thing that pokes at those sore spots is met with an overly emotional and irrational response.

 

The second is that during that marriage the social network I’d had disintegrated.  I no longer had the network of supportive, light hearted, intelligent, and understanding friends that helped me to become a confident woman in the first place.  Even after two and a half years of divorce I’ve failed to rebuild my social network and it’s taking its toll.  I often feel completely disconnected from the world and I think it’s imperative that I rejoin it and find my place again.

 

It’s an odd sensation to find oneself propelled backwards in time and flung into a version of oneself that you believed was dead and gone.  It’s hard to accept the fact that it took years for me to overcome my insecurities then, and that chances are good it will take just as much effort now.  I’m tired.  I feel like it’s unfair for me to have to do the work all over again.  But at the same time I recognize the benefits of buckling down and addressing the issues that I’m aware of in order to regain the ground I’ve lost.  My health and sanity depend on it.

So, what's happened in the past month? 

 

Well, I had a miscarriage.  So no baby for us this time around....but we're bound and determined to get it right next time.  If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again!!!!!

 

What else?  I've been teaching classes one night a week on internet marketing and website development.  It feels good to be teaching again.  I didn't realize how much I'd missed it.  I've also developed three new workshops which will start up mid-January...I just have to put the finishing touches on the curriculum between now and then and I'll be ready to go.  Thank god I'm on break from school for a few weeks or I'd never get it all done.

 

The only other interesting thing that has occured was a conversation I had with my old boss (the one that had gotten fired from the resturant I worked at) who told me that he and his girlfriend had been told the owner of the resturant had forced me to stop blogging.  HA!  That is just too funny!!!!!  Not only did they not stop me (nor did they ever even try), they wouldn't have been able to even if they'd wanted to.  It's called FREE SPEECH my friends, and I'll keep right on speaking freely for as long as I choose.  I'm supposing the other rumor running around is that they fired me.  So, for anyone who's wondering, I QUIT.  I walked out.  I had had it with the rediculous, childish, petty games that were playing there and I'll never set foot in that establishment again.  Wallow in your soap opera folks!

 

Well peeps, I'm off to bed.  Hope to see you all in another month or so!

I want to thank all of you who have visited and commented over the past two years.  Blogging has been an incredible outlet for me and I've enjoyed it immensly, not only for the freedom to express myself and share my thoughts, but for the opportunity to have met so many incredible people.  With my life as busy as it is now, full-time school, full-time self-employment, and baby on the way, it's just too much to keep up with (and has been for a number of months), so I've decided to end my blogging activities, at least at the personal level.  I'll continue to blog as a part of my business activities, but that is simply all I have time for.

 

Thanks again for your support and friendship!

 

It appears that this week is going to be an interesting one.  

 

Tomorrow I have a 9:30AM doctor’s appointment to see if the home pregnancy test I used last week was accurate or not; it said I was pregnant.  John and I have been trying for a baby since this past December and I was beginning to feel like it was never going to happen.  It’s amazing how long it can take when you’re actually TRYING to get pregnant!  I’m attempting to hold the excitement in reserve until the doctor confirms my condition…although I’m 100% positive I am because of my “symptoms”, but we’ll still let the doctor give us the official word one way or the other before we do any happy dances.

 

Friday is my birthday.  Yep, I’m getting old; I’ll be 36.  I feel like I’m 26, but for some reason the face in the mirror screams 46 – what’s up with that????  With all these ages floating through my head it’s hard to tell which one I really am.  I like to fall back on the quote “how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”, because with that I can safely respond “twenty something!”.

 

I’ve gotten my first two small business coaching clients this week.  It seems that small business coaching has become my calling without so much as a nod of approval on my end of things.  I was told a while ago that coaching niches often found the coach, but I didn’t believe it until now.  In the past few months I’ve gotten more requests for help in the area of small business development, and marketing and promotion than I can count.  It seems I’m an expert in the field and didn’t realize it – but everyone else has.  I worked with one of my new clients today and it confirmed for me that it’s a very suitable, natural, and fulfilling niche – which I figured it would be since I have such a passion for small business and entrepreneurship – I just never considered it as a coaching specialty for some reason.  

 

Well, I think I need a mid-afternoon nap now…..feeling a bit tired and run down from this stupid cold.  Then it’s off to make dinner, and back to the computer to work on work.

 

 

 

I’ve come down with a bit of a head cold and it’s making me irritable.  On top of that it has made learning to roll the kayak even more difficult.  With nose plugs on, sneezing was not easy.  With a stuffy head and nose plugs on, swallowing was not easy.  Being upside down in the water strapped to a kayak with a stuffy head, nose plugs on, pressure in my ears and cold water leaking into every crevasse of the too few layers I was wearing was far from being a good learning environment.  Possibly I can use this as an excuse for NOT having learned to roll today.  I’m hoping that by next weekend I’ll be a bit healthier and better able to concentrate.  

 

Aside from that I’m feeling pretty good.  I have two much needed days off from school this week which should be used for catching up on my class work, but which will more likely be spent on the development of a new workshop.  It’s hard to balance out my time and although I value the degree I’m working towards, my monthly income is more valuable.  Hopefully in time there will be some multiple streams of income providing residual income while I sleep.  Wouldn’t that be nice……