Well, after two long years of waiting for John's divorce to be finalized (well, he's actually been waiting five years, I've only been waiting with him for two of that) it has finally happened!  I've been trying not to get too excited.....it feels somehow like I could jinx it by talking about it or planning our wedding, or posting about it here, and cause some disasterous turn of events to occur that would once again put us into a perpetual, unavoidable, holding pattern like we've been in since he proposed in August of 2005.  I want to feel excited - you know, the run through the streets shouting and skipping and jumping for joy kind of excited - but because of the lingering fear that something will destroy this little island of joy we've been allowed to experience I am instead simply allowing myself to bask in the warm glow that is radiating inside - filling me with an incredible peaceful kind of joy over the knowledge that we will be together every day now, quietly and comfortably and perfectly joined as lifelong partners....not just planning to spend the rest of our lives together, but fully committed to it.  Aside from the joy of giving birth to my children, nothing has ever made me as happy as the time I spend with John. 

• It’s amazing to realize that one is truly capable of walking twenty miles in a day.  
• It’s even more amazing to realize that one is truly capable of walking twenty miles in a day with a 40 pound pack strapped to their back.
• It’s even MORE amazing to know that this can be done in 98 degree weather with a dew point of 80-90%.

Twenty miles sounds impressive doesn’t it?  One of the things we realized on our Appalachian Trail trip, thanks to our handy dandy GPS, is that a trail mile is not necessarily equivalent to a real, honest to goodness mile.  Nope – in most cases it’s LONGER.  We still haven’t figured out quite how the mileage for this trail was measured and mapped out, but we can tell you that who ever did it – did it WRONG.  The first day was mapped at 13.4 miles, but our GPS odometer had us at 19.4 when we arrived at our camp.  We have realized since returning home that the GPS is really good at getting you to specific coordinates but is not so accurate when it comes to working as an odometer – but even with the work we’ve done to rectify the discrepancies our actual walking distance on every leg of our trip was longer than the distance the map claimed it would be. 

 

However, now that we’ve cleaned up the GPS tracks I’m not as impressed with the more accurate 61 total miles as I was when I thought it was 74.....I think I'll just play dumb and use the original readings when I tell people just how far we really hiked!!!

As I was walking up hill and down this past week lugging around my backpack that weighed about 34 pounds and eating just enough to sustain my exhausted body (it’s impossible to overeat on the trail because when you have to carry an entire week’s worth of food you’re sure to bring ONLY what you NEED), the contrast between the average person’s dietary needs and the hiker’s really struck me as a great illustration to drive home the point that we (normal, non-hiking people) overeat every single meal of every single day.  We don’t understand that being hungry is not a bad thing, and that eating just enough to take off the edge is more appropriate than eating enough to feel full.

The average long-distance hiker, carrying a pack equal to 35% of his body weight over moderate terrain, requires approximately 4000 calories per day to maintain (neither gain nor lose) his current body weight and enough energy to continue functioning – yet the average hiker consumes closer to 3000 calories per day and is comfortably satisfied. 

The average hiker walks between 13 and 20 miles per day during the course of his regular activities and constantly maintains a heart rate between 65 and 85% of MHR, and burns approximately 200 - 300 calories per hour. 

 

The average person, doing nothing but carrying his own bodyweight around on level ground or occasionally up and down stairs, requires approximately 2500 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight and energy to get through the day – yet the average person eats closer to 3500 calories and never seems satisfied. 

The average person walks less than 2 miles per day during the course of his regular activities and fails to burn more than about 14-20 calories per hour – a SIGNIFICANT difference from the hiker!

In Summary: 

                        NEEDS          GETS             WALKS          BURNS

Hiker               4000 cal         3000 cal         13-20 miles    200-300 cal/hr

Non-Hiker       2500 cal         3500 cal         1-2 miles        14-20 cal/hr

So – what is your conclusion from this information about YOUR eating habits and needs?  Mine was that I really needed to watch the quality and quantity of the meals that I prepare for my family, as well as the number and type of snacks they are eating through out the day.

One final thought:  watching TV, sitting in front of the computer, or playing video games burns exactly the same number of calories as sleeping does.  If you’re spending the American average of 6.7 hours per day in front of the TV you might as well be sleeping 15 hours per day!!!!

 

 

Today is the final day of preparation for our seven day backpacking trip along a section of the AT here in Pennsylvania.  We'll leave this evening, loaded down by 45-50 lb packs and buoyed up by the promise of great adventure.  After all, the AT is the oldest trail still in existence in the US and the history that we’ll be walking through on our little stretch includes numerous remains of outposts used to warn settlements of Indian attacks, rest places for the Indian translator Conrad Weiser, the remains of the long dead mining town Rausch Gap, and so much more.  What is most incredible though is that when you’re hiking along with nothing but thoughts to occupy your mindless wandering you can feel the ghosts of these places, and if you allow them to slip into your soul they are all to happy to transport you back in time and share a glimpse of what was.  This is the hope for our journey; that we can step out of the mundane and into the novel reprieve of an overactive imagination unfettered by the demands of an adult life.

 

Wish us well!  When we return I promise to share a taste of the adventure we’ve encountered along the way.

It seems there has been a rash of fraudelent phone calls being made from this telephone number - I received one on my cell phone today while on a field trip with my son and since I didn't recognize the number didn't answer.  When I came home I did a little investigative work to figure out who this call was from.  It turns out it is some collection agency with a very bad reputation and is suspected of being a phising scam.  Plug the number into your browser and you'll get some interesting results.......so beware of numbers you don't know.

I don't remember the last time I was so relieved to be done with something.  This week was final's week and I had papers due, exams, and presentations.....but today at 2PM it all came to an end.  Everything is done.  Everything is turned in.  Everything is over.....for a few weeks at least.  I feel like I can breath again and now I'm ready to go hiking and camping and get out of the house.  Mid-June it all starts again - but it should be easier since I've transfered into an exceptional distance education degree program.  The flexibility in the schedule and the fact that I will only have one class per six week cycle should take some of the strain off.  Well, except for the fact that I'm back to the drawing board with my book and working towards actually getting to a point I can send it to a publisher.  For some reason I've always got too many projects going on.  Maybe I like stress?????  I suppose it could be an addiction I don't recognize............ I'll have to give that one some thought.

I don't remember the last time I've felt so completely burnt out.  I'm going to school full-time, my business has now got me working over sixty hours a week, the kids have me running, and I'm trying to keep up with meals, grocery shopping, and family time on the weekends.  I've refused to do any type of work at all on the weekends, but I don't know if I can keep avoid it any longer.  I litterally can not get everything done that needs to be done between Monday and Friday.  I had intended to take more classes over the summer, but right now I'm feeling like I'm going to kill myself if I try to do it.  I need to have time to focus on the business and not be pulled in so many different directions.  I need to work on a term paper tonight, but my brain feels so frazzled I don't know if I can pull it off. 

 

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!

I've just begun reading the book "Social Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman and in the Prologue he makes an interesting point about HOW computer use, video games and television viewing are contributing to an increase in violence - a point that I'd never considered before.  In fact, I've always thought this kind of claim was rather ridiculous....that is until now.  The point he makes is that as television viewing, computer use, and video gaming increase, the face to face social interactions that teach people (children in particular) how to deal with each other are decreasing exponentially.

 

When you consider the fact that social skills are LEARNED, not inherited, you start to realize that as we vegetate in front of the television or computer, and as our children spend less and less time hanging with friends in real life and more and more time "chatting" to friends online, the insidious nature of the deterioration of our social savvy starts to come to light.  On the surface it all seems so harmless, but as twenty-something college students go on shooting rampages ("he was a loner") maybe the answer to why can be found in the fact that we are isolating ourselves from the nurturing, healthy social interactions that bind us together and foster a feeling of connectedness and camaraderie. 

 I went to a dinner tonight in honor of a woman (Lyn) who is the state president of an organization I belong to.  I met Lyn two years ago at our state convention when she approached me after a lecture I gave with tears in her eyes and thanked me for delivering a message that she despritely needed to hear - it was the only thing that had broken through the pain of losing her husband and she felt for the first time like she would be alright.  Tonight she shared with me that it was my lecture that allowed her to begin the healing process.  She then went on to share with me that our NE Regional Director had been in my lecture this past year (which I knew) and that she'd raved about it saying that I had a gift and she'd never been so moved by a personal growth workshop in her life (which I didn't know).  I left the dinner tonight filled with a renewed passion for an activity that I love and don't do enough of - motivational speaking.  It was a wonderful little reminder that life simply is not satisfying when you aren't doing the things that move you and that if nothing else our goal in life should be to find and pursue our passions - those things that give meaning and purpose to life and that fill us with a sense of satisfaction.  Now...I just need to remember that!

When I was 19 I gave birth to my first child; a headstrong, self-centered and very insecure little girl who has grown up to be a very smart but incredibly foolish young lady.  When I look at her I’m mixed with conflicting emotions; complete and overwhelming faith that she will grow into a well balanced and secure woman, complete and overwhelming fear that she won’t.  I love her so deeply and am so ashamed that I didn’t do a better job of providing her the opportunity to learn the lessons she needed to learn; what love really is, what family means, what true friends are, that she is a valuable part of this world, and that she is the master of her own destiny.  I was so young when I had her - I grew up with her; she lived through my foolishness and her father’s idiocy.  Unfortunately the lessons she learned from her younger years are that you need to bribe men for love, that you have no control to change your lot in life, that hard work never pays off.  My prayer is that she’ll recognize sooner than later that she has complete control over her destiny and that her destiny is greatness if she’ll just reach for it.

 

When I was 29 I gave birth to my second child; a momma’s boy, incredibly intelligent and too damn smart for his own good.  What I didn’t teach my daughter reason, caution, and careful consideration my son was taught in such abundance that he rarely leaves the safety of the sofa.  What if he falls down, what if it doesn’t work out, what if he fails, what if people laugh; he worries incessantly.  His father nurtures that to a much greater extent than I, but I can not claim to be blame free.  It is my prayer that he’ll learn to trust that a degree of risk is inherent in a fulfilling and successful life - without it there is no richness or dimension.

 

It is my hope that soon I’ll have the opportunity to raise one more child.  What I know now will not guarantee that I do a perfect parenting job, but maybe it will help me to be a better parent.  I wonder if what I know now will make a significant difference in my parenting style.  Will it positively or negatively impact my child? Will this one have a better chance at life success and happiness then the first two, and if so how will I feel about that imbalance?  Will I be too anxious to teach this one what I messed up on with my other two and unnecessarily pressure it to become more than its siblings?  Or will I hold back in an attempt to balance the lack of attention my daughter received and the excessive attention my son received?

 

Fear, excitement, regret, hope….how do you reconcile the emotions when it comes to your children?  As a parent I always have hope but it is often quelled by the very real fact that my children will become who they become despite my best and worst efforts.  The only real thing of value I can give them with consistency is my love and I need to learn to accept that.

It's not often that I allow myself to dream - you know, like when you totally let go of restraints, throw caution to the wind, and allow yourself to get caught up in the feeling that it could really happen.  The last couple of days I've indulged my spirit however and it's felt good.  In fact it has felt so good that I've decided dreaming big, unrealistic, crazy dreams is a healthy activity.  It's never really dawned on me before that the bigger and crazier the dream the more compelled we are to work toward it.  I'm sure you've all heard of "The Secret"; it's a masterfully packaged and marketed version of the universal law of attraction.  But The Secret is no secret - it's just the lost art of dreaming big and believing in power of the vision.  When you want something badly enough and you allow it to consume your every waking moment you can't help but manifest it in your life.  Why?  Because of the simple fact that it DOES consume you.  I suppose you could define it as tenacity or single-mindeness, but however you define it the implication is clear: if you can dream it you can achieve it.  The biggest enemy to achieving our dreams is being "realistic".  In order to truly achieve your dreams you have to be completely unrealistic and unfettered with the restraints imposed by those who have failed to realize their dreams. 

All I can say is that this is too damn funny!

 

Can you believe that more than 1.3 million new cancer cases are expected to be diagnosed in the United States this year? Those are staggering statistics, but there is hope. Each of us can do something to save lives and help those already fighting this disease. That’s why I’ve decided to take action against cancer by supporting the American Cancer Society Relay For Life® event right here in Pennsylvania.

 

Relay For Life is an overnight event that brings our community together to help support the American Cancer Society and its lifesaving mission to eliminate cancer as a major health problem. The Society works hard every day to prevent cancer and save lives by supporting groundbreaking research, affecting public policies that protect us from cancer, and educating people on how to prevent or detect cancer early. The Society helps people with cancer right here in our own community.  And our efforts at Relay For Life can help the American Cancer Society to keep working toward a cancer-free future.

 

I want to invite you to show your support in the ongoing fight against cancer by pledging a donation for this year’s event by going to my homepage http://www.acsevents.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=189615&u=189615-166951385 and using the online donation option. Your support will make a real difference in the lives of people facing cancer – and in the lives of the people who love them.

 

Thank you!

Signa

For more information, including details on the inspirational Survivors’ Lap and the moving Luminaria Ceremony or for state fundraising notices and the American Cancer Society’s Privacy Policy, please paste this link into your browser: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/SU/su_0.asp

Ok, so here is my rant for the night: insurance companies suck!  I know, not an original rant, but my rant for the night none the less.

Two weeks ago I had to have a D&E due to my latest miscarriage.  The procedure is pretty invasive and they stick medical instruments into places no medical instruments should be stuck.  As a result, I was back in the ER a week later with abdominal pain – diagnosis: uterine infection.  The doctor gave me an Rx for copious amounts of antibiotics.  After waiting at the pharmacy for nearly an hour it was discovered that my insurance company would not cover said Rx, and a new Rx had to be prescribed by my doctor.  Ok…got my prescription filled FINALLY and began taking horse pills as directed.  Well, for anyone who has had mega doses of antibiotics that have caused severe intestinal distress, they will understand exactly what I mean when I say that liquids were pouring from places that only solids should come from in a matter of 24 hours.  So I called the doctor Monday afternoon and had to leave a message describing my plight.  Tuesday afternoon the doctor finally called back to tell me that they were trying to get my insurance company to approve a new Rx.  It is now Wednesday night and I have spent over five hours on the phone with my doctor, the insurance company, and my pharmacy trying to get this issue resolved so that I can once again have a normal digestive system.  I am subsisting on steamed white rice and gallons of organic, live culture yogurt in order to survive with as little intestinal distress as possible.  At 6:30PM this evening (over 48 hours since I first contacted my doctor about my lovely problem), I still have NO new Rx, am not allowed to stop taking the antibiotics that I’m on, AND have just been told that the original diagnosis of the uterine infection was incorrect – ie: I don’t have one.  However, until the nurse speaks with the doctor in the morning – yes, that would be Thursday AM (52 hours and counting) I am to continue taking the antibiotics, dealing with the intestinal distress, ignoring the acid that is pouring from places it shouldn’t be, and consuming rice and yogurt so that I don’t starve to death in the mean time.  Oh, and I did I mention that no matter how much I drink I can’t seem to elevate the fact that my lips are falling off and my face has turned to sand paper?

This is just another fine example of how our incredibly inept health care system and insurance system work hand in hand to ignore the actual CARE of the people they are supposed to be looking out for.  The insurance company ties the hands of the doctors, the doctors can no longer practice medicine (they practice insurance dictated circus acts), and we, as innocent bystanders, get dragged through the shit while we wait for someone to actually help us. 

Is it any wonder that I wait until I’m literally dying before I break down and go to the doctor in the first place?  Sometimes the problem is easier to deal with than the process of having it “treated”. I guess this explains why the abdominal pain hasn’t subsided significantly eh?

 

For the first time in my life I have some sense of what it must be like to be bi-polar.  I’ve never experienced anything quite as dramatic as the shift I made the other day from being completely dysfunctional to being alright; it was if someone flipped a switch and the overwhelming emotions that had been plaguing me were shut off.  I’ve had my bouts with depression over the years, but it has always been marked by a very slow – almost imperceptible - slide into them, and then just as slow a rise out of them.  This however was nothing even remotely close; the hypnotist snapped his fingers and sent me into an emotional tail-spin, and then snapped them again to instantly put me back on the beam. 

 

It feels good to be my typical cranky, stressed self.  In fact I’ve come to decide that cranky beats depressed any day!

Maybe it’s just that my hormones haven’t balanced out yet, but I’m feeling completely dysfunctional.  I skipped my classes yesterday because I didn’t feel ready to rejoin the world, and now this morning I’m showered, dressed, and ready to walk out the door….but actually trying to walk out the door has triggered a full-blown panic attack; hyperventilating, sweaty palms, racing heart, crying, dizziness……

Now I’m sitting here at my computer staring at the screen.  Allowing myself to stay home has quelled the symptoms of my panic attack but has stirred up all sorts of other issues.  I have classes to go to, clients to work with, children to raise…..I can’t avoid this stuff for another day – I don’t have that luxury. 

I guess this is what’s called living in NOW.  I don’t want to be told that things will get better – I know that.  I don’t want to be told that I’ll be alright – I know that too.  Right now the knowledge that things will improve is no consolation.  I want to wallow.  I don’t have the time to wallow.  I want to be allowed to be sad and miserable and dysfunctional.  I don’t feel like I can afford to allow myself to be any of that.  I want to be weak.  I want to be strong.  I guess I’ve never realized how tormented we can become when our emotional and intellectual sides battle for dominance and control.

Well, the unthinkable has happened again; I've had a second miscarriage.  I'm numb.  For some reason the first one was not nearly as traumatic for me either physically or emotionally; it felt like a disappointment more than a loss.  This time it feels like an immense and profound loss, not just of a baby but almost of hope itself.  We've agreed that we'll try one more time, but I'm almost paralyzed with fear by the thought that things could end the same way.  I wonder how it is that I've had two healthy pregnancys with children I didn't plan for, and now that I"m trying to have one I can't.  It's a cruel joke.  I feel empty...literally and figuratively; something precious has been ripped out of me that can never be replaced.

The only thing good about winter is when the snow falls in buckets and leaves the world looking like a fantasy land.  There is nothing that gets the butterflies going in my stomach more than walking through the woods at night with snow hanging so thick off the branches it looks like white moss.  And when the branches hang low from the weight of it and form magical tunnels that sparkle and shimmer in the beam of the flash light, it makes me want to stand there and marvel forever.

 

 We’re getting snow tonight.  It’s not the kind I love though; it’s a mix of sleet and snow, and there’s nothing fluffy or inviting about it.  In fact, since I’ve moved to PA I haven’t seen the kind of snow I’m used to seeing.  I grew up in the Berkshire Hills of Western Massachusetts and when it snowed it was worth every moment of the storm.  Here when it snows it’s just an annoyance and reminds me that I don’t much enjoy winter.  Without the wonder of it there’s not much to enjoy.  It’s cold.  It’s not any fun to be out in.  And if I didn’t mention it already – it’s cold.

 

I remember one winter when I was seventeen, my favorite past-time was cross country skiing and we’d just gotten nearly two feet of snow the previous day.  It was so sticky that it clung to every vertical surface as if it were horizontal.  The woods were transformed into world painted white with fluffy soft edges and diamonds that glittered on every surface.  As I skied along quietly I was enamored with the way the boughs of the pine trees hung over every trail making them feel like secret passages.   It was a feeling I’ve only experienced a few times since that day…the magic of deep, fluffy, sticky, snow.

 

Tonight I’m sitting here looking out the windows, unable to see the icy crystals falling from the sky but very capable of hearing them hit the windows, and finding myself wishing that I could experience the magic of a GOOD snow.  There is a longing in me for the childlike wonderment that only that kind of snow can bring.

I swear I have some sort of paranoia psychosis and it really disturbs me.  Ever since I was a child I’ve been very self-conscious and insecure.  Any comments or laughter that were made at my expense sent me into an obsessive-compulsive rumination about what I’d done and how to avoid it in the future.  My fear was always that I’d made myself look stupid and idiotic, which only perpetuated my feelings of insecurity. 

 

In my early twenties I began to develop a thicker skin and was able to brush off much of what had bothered me growing up.  As my social network grew, so did my self-confidence.  It was a wonderful time of freedom, lightness, joy, and fun.  It was a time I’d like to reclaim.

 

In the past two years I’ve discovered that I’ve slid backwards in my progress, and my self-esteem and confidence are truly at an all-time low.  My internal and emotional response to issues with my soon to be in-laws was my first warning sign that somehow I’d lost the ground I made through my twenties.  And now I’m finding that silly remarks and giggles that ensue from my much younger class mates in college following comments I make during our discussions are having a profoundly negative impact on my psyche as well.  It’s an unwelcome deja vous; finding that trivial and insignificant events are yet again sending me into OC ruminations as they did when I was an adolescent.

 

Today offered yet another instance of this incredibly stupid paranoia psychosis and I left school feeling completely at a loss as to why I’m like this again.  It is not pleasant, it is not desirable, it is not healthy, and it isn’t rational.  I KNOW that it’s a completely irrational response to triggers that most people wouldn’t think twice about – and yet I can’t seem to get over it. 

 

I hate it.  I don’t want to be like this.  I want my confidence back.

 

As I was thinking about all this today there were two things that came to me which I believe need to be addressed:

 

The first is the fact that my previous marriage was characterized by eight years of my husband constantly telling me that I was irrational, overly emotional, and delusional every time my perspective or opinion differed even slightly from his.  I began that relationship a confident and self-secure woman and left it an empty shell.  I think I have some emotional wounds from that relationship that are not yet healed and any little thing that pokes at those sore spots is met with an overly emotional and irrational response.

 

The second is that during that marriage the social network I’d had disintegrated.  I no longer had the network of supportive, light hearted, intelligent, and understanding friends that helped me to become a confident woman in the first place.  Even after two and a half years of divorce I’ve failed to rebuild my social network and it’s taking its toll.  I often feel completely disconnected from the world and I think it’s imperative that I rejoin it and find my place again.

 

It’s an odd sensation to find oneself propelled backwards in time and flung into a version of oneself that you believed was dead and gone.  It’s hard to accept the fact that it took years for me to overcome my insecurities then, and that chances are good it will take just as much effort now.  I’m tired.  I feel like it’s unfair for me to have to do the work all over again.  But at the same time I recognize the benefits of buckling down and addressing the issues that I’m aware of in order to regain the ground I’ve lost.  My health and sanity depend on it.

I’m feeling expressive again for the first time in many months.  The stresses of my life have caused me to take a bit of a hiatus from blogging, only because I had no energy or creativity and writing a blog seemed impossible.  But I think that I’m beginning to feel myself again – partly because I’m doing things that give me a sense of fulfillment and meaning, but even more than that I’m recognizing some pay off with my business endeavors and it is a tremendous relief. Every now and then a glimmer of hope appears and I feel myself being rejuvenated and replenished – thank goodness!

 

Perspectives are changing folks.  Making sense of our lives has become a commonly held value in the last decade.  The American Nightmare of hard work and big pay is beginning to wear thin and people are realizing there has to be more to life.  I’m right there with them and have been my entire life.  Yes, I want to be financially secure…..but only if it comes with a sense that what I’m doing has meaning – both for me personally, and for some segment of the population around me.  I’ve never been one to toil at a job just for the sake of taking home a paycheck….it just isn’t in my genetic composition to be able to do that.  Literally – I can’t.

 

So I wonder: how do you find meaning if you continue to pursue flawed values?  Please don’t take offense – but I really think the pursuit of money for the sake of having money is a flawed value.  Or maybe a better way to state it would be that it’s an incomplete value – that it’s needs to be balanced with something deeper and more meaningful in order to create a truly fulfilling end result.  If you’re dying and you’ve spent your whole life working to be rich but have never taken the time to nurture the very most important things in your life like family, friends, life experience, and personal purpose - will you have any regrets, or will you say “well, at least I’m rich!”  

 

Two things made my day today:

1) To see my bank account after having four contracts come in this week.

2) The two email messages I got from clients who were ranting and raving about how much I’ve helped them and how excited they are to be working with me.

 

The first gives me a sense of relief and satisfaction that my hard work is paying off.

The second one is what I live for – it’s what gives my life meaning. 

 

The two values, when married, make life incredibly good.  My goal is to find a way to achieve this kind of balance consistently and nurture a life that leaves me on my death bed with a sigh of contentment and a feeling that I’ve accomplished everything I’ve wanted and more.

 

Today life is good.