Zero in on your target and go for it!

Everyday provides us with things that need to be done which will carry us closer to the achievement of our dreams.  And although we need to know what our ultimate goal is, the target we need to be shooting for is not necessarily the one at the end of the range.  Just like in high jumping or pole vaulting, we need to work our way up, hurdling ourselves over the least difficult obstacles first.  Practicing our technique and strengthening our muscles prepares us for each raise of the bar both emotionally and physically.

I used to overwhelm myself with all the details that needed to be carried out between the place I was and the place I wanted to be.  There was so much that needed to be done I couldn’t see how I would ever be able to do it all, and so would defeat myself before I even began by worrying about a million little things that didn’t matter yet.  We do this to ourselves all the time; instead of running 100 yards, and then 500 yards, and then a mile, and then three….we determine to run the marathon from start to finish without preparing for it. 

“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.”

Thomas Carlyle

My ex-husband had a nasty habit of squelching every aspiration I ever had, and he did it by asking me to guarantee that whatever it was that I was undertaking was going to “pay off” in the end.  I had wanted to go back to college for many years and finally applied to a local school where I was accepted.  He didn’t like it.  I was told that unless I could guarantee that I’d be making fifty thousand a year after graduation, it was a wasted investment and he was unwilling to make it.  How could I guarantee something like this?  How could I even think that far ahead?  What I knew without a doubt was that I needed to go back to school, that I needed to be working towards my dreams, and that I needed to do the first thing first; my sights were set on school and that was it.  But with his constant prodding I researched the job market in the field I wanted to enter and tried to find information that would prove my goals were financially realistic.  With the new information he then asked me how I proposed to land one of these jobs; did I think I stood a chance, or was it just a pipe dream?  How could I possibly answer that?!  But his constant demands for me to try and foresee the future and avoid the potential pitfalls years in advance was so overwhelming that I withdrew from college before I’d ever even scheduled my first class. 

You can’t help but to drop out before you’ve enrolled if you get bogged down in trying to foresee the future.  It’s just too much for our minds to wrap themselves around, and our focus isn’t where it should be.  It reminds me of a funny saying that we New Englander’s have: “You can’t get thar from here”.  Nope, you can’t get thar from here, but I’ll tell you where you can get…..and the directions, though round about and far from straight forward, eventually lead you to the place you originally inquired about.  Oh wait, so you really can get there from here???  Nope, but you can get to ***** from here, and then you can get to ***** from there…..  (There’s no pinning a New Englander down on matters of directions ;)

Although the directions may not be clear, the point is.  Set your sights on what you need to do today…focus on THAT target first and hit it smack dab in the middle.  Then move your target a little further out and hit it again.  Focus on what needs to be done today and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.  Zero in on what lies clearly at hand to do, and then do it.  I have.  I’ve applied once again to a local college and have been accepted.  It’s a huge investment, but for now I’m not going to worry about it…I’ve got nearly four years before my Master’s degree will be completed and the only thing that needs to be focused on now is getting my butt through school and doing it at the top of my class.  When the next target becomes clear I’ll be prepared to give it my full attention and focus…but until then I’ll let it lie dimly in the future and refrain from worrying about it now.  Like they say, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it”.  

You are unique of all God’s creations; nothing can replace you.

Whether you believe in God or not, the point is a valid one: there isn’t anyone in this world like you; quite literally you are one of a kind and you can not be replaced.  I think we sometimes forget just how unique, special, and important we truly are.  No one can do what we do, no one can see things from our perspective, no one has experienced life the way we have, and no one can fill our shoes in the tapestry of life.  Every word that emanates from our mouths has the potential to heal, motivate, and encourage someone specific.  The seemingly random mixture of events and experiences in our lives provides us with a myriad of opportunities to positively impact the life of someone else, or to do exactly what needs to be done in a way that only we can do it, and most of the time we miss the point that no one could have said it or done it quite like we have or can.  Zen and I talk often about the fact that we feel our writing and ideas are rather unimportant, un-unique, and unspectacular for the simple reason that we’re recycling ideas that have come before us.  We both wonder why anyone would want to read our musings when we’re not saying anything new, and when we’re not presenting any earth shattering or novel ideas.  The concept that there is nothing new under the sun is a bit discouraging, but it is also a concept that is a bit flawed in its logic (thank goodness!). 

Although it may be true that from time immemorial, man has written about, thought about, and debated about the same issues, one thing is for certain:  each person’s perspective, insight, and level of understanding is different.  How we say what we think, and how we present the material makes it NEW. 

Take for example my sister.  She is in her early twenties, has recently begun college, and is working as a tutor.  One afternoon she was explaining some concepts to a student who was working with her, when another student (a non-traditional student in her forties) happened to be close enough to overhear the discussion.  In a passionate burst of insight, the woman jumped from her chair, approached my sister, and enthusiastically told her it was the first time in four years that she understood the material being discussed.  Apparently she’d previously had a tutor of her own as well as having worked closely with her professor to gain an understanding of this particular material, but to no avail.  Finally, in a few short minutes of overhearing my sister explain it, she got it.  My sister was ecstatic.  The woman was ecstatic.  And the point is made: you are unique, you can not be replaced, and no one can offer the world what you have to offer.  My sister, though new to academia, had a grasp of the material and a way of presenting it that made it clearly understandable for the first time to a woman who needed to hear it the way my sister could present it. 

Snap…..and another piece of the puzzle fits securely into place.

Whether or not you feel unique is aside from the point.  Whether or not you believe that you have something valuable to offer is aside from the point.  Regardless of what you believe, you can not change the fact that you ARE in fact unique and valuable in this world.  Someone out there needs to hear what you have to say, in the way that you have to say it.  Someone out there needs to see what you can do, in the way that you do it.  Someone out there needs to experience life through your eyes for just one second in order to learn the one concept that will allow them to grow beyond their current level of understanding.  Don’t doubt your worth; you are valuable.  Don’t doubt your ability; you change the world every day.  Don’t doubt your uniqueness; no one has the gifts, experiences and perspectives that you have.  And never believe that someone else has done, or can do it better than you; it simply isn’t possible.  Like the pieces of a puzzle, we fit perfectly into the spaces that we were created to fit into….and no amount of forcing will make any other piece fit as perfectly as we do.

Xcellerate your efforts.

I’ve been thinking about this letter for a while now trying to figure out exactly what it meant and how to write about it, but it wasn’t until this past week that I actually got it.  Thanks to some unexpected, and at first unappreciated, recommendations from the registrars office at the college I’ve applied to for the fall, I’ve been forced to make some decisions that have had a profound affect on my attitude and resolve.  It was suggested to me that I look into taking a few classes at the local community college this summer to prepare me for returning to college full-time in the fall as well as to get the few general education requirements that I still have completed and out of the way.  I came up with a million reasons why I couldn’t do that; my kids will be home over the summer and I don’t want to be gone day and night (between work and school), I can’t afford to take the classes (I’ll have to pay for them myself), it wasn’t what I was planning on doing (I was simply going to take everything I needed when I enrolled in the fall), and so on.  But I finally agreed to look into it and give it some serious thought.  After a few days I realized it was not only reasonable and achievable, it was a great idea.  PRESTO!  I got it….I finally understood what “xcellerate your efforts” meant; do what it takes to accomplish what needs to be done…NOW.  When it finally hit me that I truly had control over the how and when of achieving one of my dreams (getting my degree in psychology) the excuses melted away and a million possible solutions to the obstacles that I’d first focused on presented themselves.  In less than 24 hours I’d swung from “I can’t”, to “I will”…..and off I went to register (preparing for summer classes), changed my work schedule to give me more hours and income (to pay for those summer classes), and looked at the summer schedule of courses which, to my complete astonishment, offers both courses as Internet classes which means I don’t even have to leave the house to complete them.  

“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.”

Thomas Carlyle

It is imperative that we not get hung up on all the reasons why we can’t accomplish something that we’re dreaming of doing, nor should we get so focused on one way of doing things that we put on the blinders to the plethora of other possibilities.  But it is imperative that we look at the options, that we open our minds to the possibilities, and that we choose to do whatever it is that we can see to do right now.  Don’t put things off because you can’t see the final outcome…work towards the fulfillment of your dreams by taking action now, doing all that you can think to do now, taking every step that presents itself now, and moving forward now.  Be adaptable, flexible, and pliable in your thought processes and you will find creative ways to do everything that needs to be done.  Let go of your preconceived notions about how things are going to get done or how they should be done.  Xcellerate your efforts; focus your entire attention on getting things done.  Take the baby steps, one after another, knowing full well that they will lead you to a positive final outcome.  Do the things you didn’t plan on doing because you’ve recognized the value in doing them.  And don’t take your eyes off the goal, not for one second, not ever.   

Want it more than anything.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it has completely consumed you?  I guess there are only two things that I can think of that I’ve wanted so badly they’ve been in the front of my mind for literally twenty years.  Yep, TWENTY!  Other things have occupied my mind for a time, consuming my every waking thought sometimes so completely that I couldn’t sleep, but most have come and gone relatively quickly; some accomplished, others given up.  But the two things that have been with me for my entire adult life, though not accomplished yet, are things I KNOW, without a doubt, I will do.  There has been a lot for me to do between setting my sights on them and actually being able to accomplish them, but I want them and I have refused to let go of them over all these years.  So what are they?  You’re going to laugh I’m sure. 

The first is something I’ve always wanted…just for me, selfishly, and for no other purpose than vanity; a breast augmentation. 

The second is something I’ve always felt called to do, something I love doing, something that comes naturally for me, and something that brings me pleasure not from what it gives me but from what it gives to others; to be a teacher/lecturer/professor.

Odd combination of things to want I suppose, but there you go.  Ever since I was fifteen, both of these things have been firmly planted in my head.  And although you may argue that the first isn’t truly a “dream” per se, and that it doesn’t fit into the scope of what I’m discussing in this series, it serves to make a point: We strive towards that which we desire with all our heart.  And on that note I’ll throw in a word of caution:  Be careful of what you set your sights on and be wise about that which you seek to obtain or achieve.    

In order to overcome the trials and tribulations that you’ll be faced with in accomplishing your dreams, you must want it more than anything else.  In order to have the patience, commitment and endurance to get there, you must want it more than anything else.  But in order to be happy with what you get, you’d better darn well make sure you’re chasing the right things in life.  So again we come back to the fact that your dreams are those things which provide you with a sense of inner peace, contentment and complete life satisfaction.  They are the things that, when you’re life is over, you’ll look back on an be satisfied with the fact that you’ve done what you needed to do, you’ve left your mark, you’ve made someone’s world a better place, and you’ve lived a good life;  No regrets, no calls for a “do over”, just peace.

My dream to become a teacher/professor is one of those things.  Helping others to become more aware of themselves and the world around them, and helping them to live happier lives is something I’ve always done by nature.  To make a living and career out of doing that is my life long, all consuming dream.  It’s been horribly difficult to get this far (which isn’t far in the scope of things), but the fact that I want it more than anything else is what has kept me plodding along and reaching for the stars.  Conversely, the “dream” of having a boob job isn’t necessarily the thing which I’m going to look back on with my final breath and exclaim “my fake breasts have made my life complete and worthwhile”.

It’s not necessarily wrong to want and to pursue the material things that we prize, but if fame, fortune, good looks, and toys are the only things we’re chasing, life will be a sorely disappointing and unsatisfying thing in the end.  Be wise; understand what it is that you’re pursuing and why.  Choose carefully; let your thoughts be consumed by that which will bring true peace and contentment.  Along the way you can reward yourself with the little things that make life fun and entertaining…. like boobs and cars and big TVs.  But make sure that what you want more than anything in the world is not something that can be lost, stolen, broken, bought, or “enhanced”, for these things do not bring peace and contentment, they merely provide a diversion from the struggles of everyday life.  But when you’re living your dreams, those things that are larger than life, you won’t want or need a diversion from your “everyday life”….because you’ll love what you’re doing and will always find time to do what you love.  THAT will be reward enough.

Today I’m simply going to post two snippets from the book I’m writing.  For those of you who’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been running a series based on the ABCs poster created by Wanda Hope Carter entitled: To Achieve Your Dreams Remember Your ABCs.  What began as a simple exercise to renew my spirit has become a full-fledged book writing project.  The book, though based in part on the previous ABC blog posts I’ve written, is so significantly different from them that I’ve decided it would now be more fun to post bits and pieces from the actual book.  I hope you enjoy them. 

“How you spend your time is more important than how you spend your money.  When you run out of money there are always things you can do to get more.  But when you run out of time….well, you’re done.”

Ó2006 Signa M. Parker, All Rights Reserved

“Like your money, you can spend your time on a million frivolous, trivial things.  Our “to do” lists are chronically filled with dollar store items, yet we cherish and worship them like they are high return investment portfolios.”

Ó2006 Signa M. Parker, All Rights Reserved

Writing this book is tremendously difficult.  I’m wondering how in the world I can write about achieving your dreams and finding fulfillment when I’m so very far from that myself.  How dare I write about something that I can’t even achieve in my own life?  What a farce, what a fake, what a complete and total idiot I would have to be to even consider it. 

There was a time in my life when I was working full time and making $35,000 per year.  I had job security, full benefits, a 401K and paid vacations.  There was room to advance and regular pay raises, there was overtime if I wanted it, and sick pay if I needed it.  Life was good.  But despite everything I was miserable because I wasn’t doing what I wanted to be doing, I wasn’t working towards achieving my dreams and I was tired, worn out, and emotionally drained.

Now I work second shift and am barely making enough money to scrape by.  I don’t have benefits, I don’t have a 401K, there are no paid holidays or sick days, and there is no room for advancement.  It was the sacrifice I was willing to make in order to have time to write.  But it seems like there are a million interruptions, a million things that need to be done, and a million reasons why I don’t actually get around to writing.  Then I pick the kids up from school and I immediately rush off to work, getting home after they have long since gone to bed.  I’m trying to pursue my dream, but I miss my kids, and I can’t pay my bills.  Life should be good, but I’m miserable.  I’m tired, worn out, and emotionally drained.

I wonder sometimes if balance can ever be achieved between that which we want to do and that which we must do.  I wonder if people, if I, can ever truly be happy.  I wonder if one can truly achieve their dreams; that point when you do what you love to do, when life has passion and meaning, and when you’re able to make enough to live on doing it.  When does the stress end, when does life begin to take on color again, when does that enthusiasm for life that I had as a young adult return? 

The old adage “Life sucks and then you die” seems so applicable sometimes….like right now.  I wish I could say it and believe it, but I know it’s not true.  I know, deep down in my soul, that all of this IS possible….I know that I have to keep plugging along and holding onto the dream….I know that I have to struggle through the shit in order to get to the prize….I know that eventually I’ll look back and all of this will be nothing but a memory….I know that the work, the sacrifice, and the inner turmoil will all be worth it someday…..but right now I’m feeling suffocated and crushed by the issues I’m faced with.  It sucks.

So, how can I, someone who is so far from achieving my dreams and so far from any real sense of fulfillment, and so far from having any level of inner peace possibly write a book about achieving all that?  How can I be so arrogant as to believe that I have anything of worth to offer on this subject at all?  I don’t know…but here I sit, attempting to do just that while living this life that seems so ludicrously empty and pointless.

Visualize it.

There was a time in my life when my dreams were tangible; when young naiveté and passion envisioned nothing but success.  In my young mind these dreams were so real and plausible that my pulse raced at the mere thought of what I was going to be able to do.  Not only could I see my success, I could literally feel it in every fiber of my being; I was going to change the world. As you know from my previous post however, life hasn’t unfolded in quite the way I dreamed that it would.  I’m always amused by the fact that when we’re young we’re encouraged to “dream big; we’re told that we can do anything we set your minds to”, and then when we “grow up” we’re encouraged to “stop dreaming; be realistic, be responsible and stop chasing something so crazy”.  And so I did; I grew up, I became “responsible”, I took a job with a future and room to advance, I let go of my dreams because I was a single mother and I needed to support my little family.  Slowly life changed; it was no longer the big, exciting adventure it had been when I was a kid.  After a while it became something to be endured, something that was plodded through with the enthusiasm of washing toilets. 

It’s easy to lose sight of your dreams when you listen to all the “normal, average” people in the world.  You see, they gave up their dreams somewhere along the way because all the “normal, average” people convinced them it was the right thing to do, and in turn they have passed along the same message, encouraging the next generation to do it too.  And with that message my attention slowly turned away from the excitement of chasing my dreams and settled instead on making a living.  With that shift nothing seemed very pleasurable or satisfying anymore even though I was “headed in the right direction” by the standards of most people.  The color, the passion, and the enthusiasm of my youth drained away like dirty bath water swirling down the drain.  Something had to give, I needed to replace that inner joy I’d once innately had with the excitement and pleasure that is bought at the expense of ones soul.  And so my attention turned towards the things that offered a little bit of a thrill, a break from “real life”, and some “instant” pleasure.  “Life is hard; play hard” became my motto; my focus shifted from fulfilling my dreams to simply finding something to get me through.  I’ve chased the “good”, going to college and pursuing a potentially lucrative career, and I’ve chased the “bad”, immersing myself in the party scene, abusing drugs, alcohol and the many relationships I had.  But I’ve only recently begun to chase my “crazy” dreams again.  What I’ve learned along the way is that no matter where your focus is, “good” or “bad” or “crazy”, you get exactly what you’re focused on; nothing more, nothing less.

The people who love what they do and do what they love are the ones who’ve held onto the vision with the tenacity of a Pit Bull on a steak; nothing has pried it out of their jaws.  They’ve sunk their teeth into it, their mouth has watered over it, and their focus has been all-consumed by it.  I gave up my dream for someone else’s idea of what was important and valuable, and in the process gave up my enthusiasm for life itself.  The trade-off is not worth it. 

The Greeks understood the mysterious power of the hidden side of things.  They bequeathed to us one of the most beautiful words in our language – the word ‘enthusiasm’ – en theos – a god within.  The grandeur of human actions is measured by the inspiration from which they spring.  Happy is he who bears a god within, and who obeys it.

Louis Pasteur

The vision which you must hold is not the one that follows the “American Dream” ideal, but the one that stirs your soul to the very core.  The vision that I refer to is the one that lifts you ABOVE the American Dream, the one that fuels your passion for life itself and causes you to profess “THIS is what I was made to do”.  It’s a vision of the thing that brings you total peace and satisfaction, done not for the money, but for the love of it.  THIS vision is the one that will lead you to the life you see in your dreams.  Any other vision, chosen or merely accepted, will lead you to where the average, normal person exists; bored, overworked, stressed, and miserable.  So I ask, have you chosen to visualize your future, or has your future been visualized for you?  Wake up my friend and tend to your garden well, choose your seeds wisely and with great care for you will always reap the bounty of the crop you’ve sown.

It occurred to me this morning as I re-read the following story, that you all should know where I’ve been in order to more fully appreciate what I’m writing about in these ABCs.  When you hear about how someone has hit “rock bottom” I’m not sure that you totally appreciate the complete sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and desperation of that place unless you’ve been there yourself.  This story is only one of a number of times I’ve hit the bottom, only one experience of being as low as a person can get, but probably the most powerful one and certainly a major turning point for me.  I made a decision after this, and I’ve stuck with it and have transformed my life so dramatically that the girl in this story and the woman who I am now don’t even seem like they could be the same person.  It’s hard for me to recall a time in my life where I was so miserable, but I know I was.  The memories linger like wisps of smoke in the deepest recesses of my mind, reminding me of why I have worked so hard to understand myself and to understand what I need in my life in order to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled.  But enough background….you’ll get more out of reading the story than you’ll get out of me trying to sum things up for you.  The next post I write will speak directly to the lessons I learned from this event and how I’ve used them to move on and move up.  I hope you’ll come back to read it.

MY MOVIE by Signa Parker

She stood looking in the bathroom mirror.  She didn’t feel any sense of dread or fear, just a complete disgust for herself and what her life had come to.  “You coward, do you realize what you’ve just done?!” She said out loud to the image looking back at her.  It was almost like she was watching a movie.  She felt no emotional connection with the scene as it unfolded in front of her, nor did she feel any connection to the image in the mirror.  It was almost as if she’d removed herself from herself…if that was possible.  “Oh well” she said as she shrugged and looked down at the empty pill bottles in the sink, some empty, some with medicine still in them, some with their contents spilled in the porcelain basin.  She wasn’t scared.  She had a headache and she needed some sleep, and she wasn’t going to get rid of the one or succumb to the other tonight….not after the fight she’d had with her boyfriend.  It wasn’t that this particular night was any different from any other.  They seemed to fight endlessly and this was just one more night in a string of them that stretched back into her memory for years.  Her dad and step-mother had come over for dinner tonight, but it had been horrible.  Her boyfriend had embarrassed and belittled her in front of her own father and there was nothing she could say or do to regain her self-worth.  She’d lost face in front of the man she idolized, and she’d lost it at the hands of a man who controlled her life to such a degree that she couldn’t even bring herself to leave him.  So that night, like countless others, they’d fought.  After her father had left she confronted the man who she was in a love/hate relationship with.  He threatened to kill her and told her how completely worthless she was.  She retaliated, not caring if he did kill her….and in all honesty daring him to touch her.  She hit him as hard as she could, tight fisted at the base of his jaw.  She wanted to knock him out, but kneeling on the bed beside him didn’t provide the leverage she needed to accomplish her goal.  He just stared at her without saying a word.  The rage in his eyes told her he could hurt right now, and hurt her severely.  He told her to “get” and pointed to the bedroom door.  That one word caused her to seethe as it was the one word he used for her and the dog.  She was nothing more than his possession; she was worth no more to him than his dog.    So she left, knowing full well she was not going to sleep at all.  She never slept well anymore anyway, but tonight was going to be worse.  So she went into the bathroom with only the intention of taking something for her head and something to help her sleep.  The prescription her doctor had given her for insomnia worked well, though it didn’t prevent her from waking up numerous times during the night.  She took the prescribed dose and laughed silently to herself as she realized it was NEVER going to help her tonight.  So she dumped the contents into her hand, nearly a full container and popped them into her mouth.  They stuck to her tongue and the roof of her mouth as she tried to swallow them.  They were just little tiny green tablets and she hadn’t anticipated it would be so difficult to get them down.  She ran the tap water and cupped her hands to catch some so she could wash down the sticky mass that was in her mouth.  Then she pulled out a bottle of pain reliever to take the edge off her headache.  Again, she took the recommended dosage but knew it wasn’t going to help.  She dumped the large, extra strength capsules into her hand, not bothering to count them and spilling some into the sink.  Again, she filled her hands with the running water to wash them all down, gagging a little as the large pills tried to choke her.  Was that enough she wondered?  Could she sleep now or should she take something else?  She looked through the medicine cabinet to see what else there was.  All she could find was a bottle of baby aspirin.  She held the bottle for a few seconds contemplating whether they would help or not, and then decided it couldn’t hurt to take a few just to help the other medicines lull her to sleep.  She dumped out the entire contents, only a dozen or so, again spilling a few into the basin.  She chewed them up and swallowed easily, enjoying the cherry flavor.  But it is here that our story began, and you’ve already read what she did when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.  What intrigued her most was not that she was removed from the situation, but that she felt no fear, no panic…only the need to write a letter to her daughter who was sleeping soundly in the room next door.  Her beautiful little blonde haired daughter who was only three needed to know how much she loved her.  So she made her way to the kitchen to get another beer and to retrieve her notebook off the counter where she’d been doing her college homework earlier that evening.  She returned to the bathroom with a bottle in one hand and notebook and pen in the other.  Sitting on the floor she began to write…..until she couldn’t keep her eyes open….until she slumped onto the floor.

What was that noise she kept hearing?  From the depths of the deepest sleep she could ever remember she heard someone calling her voice.  But who was it?  She didn’t recognize it; it was too distant and vague for her to hear clearly.  She allowed sleep to consume her again. 

Then she was roused again.  Someone persisted on calling her name.  Her eyes were so heavy she couldn’t open them to see who it was.  She tried to ignore the voice; all she wanted to do was sleep.

As she wretched and struggled to breath she finally opened her eyes fully…but they were so heavy it was hard to maintain her focus.  She vomited again, choking and gagging…trying to breath.  Why was it so hard to breath?  Why was she throwing up so much?  Why did she feel so sick?  Someone stroked her sweat soaked hair and told her it was going to be alright.   She squinted and shook her head.  Who was that?  The voice was soft, gentle and familiar.  Her mom?  Where was she?  She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and tried to sleep.

“Signa, wake up.  Come on Signa, don’t go back to sleep.  Signa!” called an unfamiliar male voice.  She opened her eyes to see who it was that kept interrupting her sleep.  As she opened them she vomited again, choking and gagging some more.  She realized something was in her mouth and down her throat that was making her feel like she was going to suffocate every time she brought up the contents of her stomach.  This time she opened her eyes fully, but she was alone.  The male voice was a doctor calling to her from the foot of her bed.  Upon seeing her open her eyes and acknowledge him he simply walked away.  What was going on?  Why was she in the hospital?  Why did she have a tube in her throat?  She closed her eyes yet again and allowed her mind to drift until she no longer heard any noise….until sleep consumed her.

Slowly awareness began to make its way into the darkness of her mind.  She was in a hospital bed, behind a curtain and she was alone.  No one sat by her bedside.  No one stood at the foot of the bed watching.  She could hear people coming and going, talking, flipping pages on charts, checking other patients, machines beeping.  What she couldn’t figure out was how she’d come to be here.  As far as she could tell there was nothing wrong with her except that hear head was as heavy as ton of bricks and she was sicker than she’d ever felt in her life.  No hangover could touch the way she felt right now and no bout with the flu had ever made her as sick.  In fact, she couldn’t remember EVER feeling as crappy as she did at this moment.  It had been so much more pleasant when she was sleeping.  She closed her eyes tightly hoping to escape the misery of how she felt.  But she couldn’t sleep.  Another wave of nausea passed over her and she vomited again.  And again she was reminded of the tube filling her throat and making it nearly impossible to breath.  There were too many things competing for the small, restricted space….so many things that it felt as if she’d never be able to fill her lungs.  Just then a nurse, full of malice in her eyes, roughly took the basin that was now full of black vile.  The nurse dropped a clean, empty basin on her lap, spun on her heels and left as quickly as she’d entered.  Oh the agony…..what in the hell was going on.  She just couldn’t put the pieces together to figure out why she was here.  Slowly she drifted back to sleep and the incredible relief of being unconscious.

“Signa” called a male voice.  Without opening her eyes she could tell the man was standing beside her, leaning over a bit.  “Signa, are you awake?” he asked.  She slowly turned her head to face him, allowing her eyes to open as she did so.  She tried to answer with a “yes” but could barley form the words with the large plastic tube that forced her tongue to the bottom of her mouth.  “Signa, my name is Dr. Bradley, do you know where you are?”  She shook her head and again tried to speak, barely getting the word “no” to slip by the ridges of the trachea tube.  “You’re in the hospital Signa, we’ve had to pump your stomach because you took a lot of medicine last night.  Do you remember what you took?”  She shook her head trying to clear her mind and think.  What had she taken?  Then she remembered….she’d wanted to sleep and she had a headache….she  had taken a lot of pills.  The implications of her actions last night and her current location still had not connected for her.  What had she taken, what had she taken?  The doctor stood by her side patiently, waiting for her answer.  “Signa, you’re family brought in three bottles.  How much of these did you take?”  He showed her three bottles, the ones she’d dropped in her sink after they had been emptied of their contents.  She held the prescription bottle and said “a lot, almost a full bottle” which sounded barely comprehensible, but the doctor seemed to understand.  Continuing with the other two bottles she told him how many she thought she’d taken.  “Well my dear, you’re a very lucky girl.  We didn’t think we’d be able to save you.  Did you do this on purpose Signa?”  She shook her head no.  “Well, we’re going to be moving you to ICU and then to CCU telemetry, Signa.  We have to monitor your heart for 24 hours.  The medication you took could have affected your heart and we need to be sure that it hasn’t.  You’re going to wear a monitor that will let us watch your heart rhythms and make sure you’re ok.”  With that, two orderlies entered the room and wheeled her bed out to the elevator, and brought her to another floor. 

They were met by a nurse at the nurse’s station of a particularly quiet floor.  It was a relief to be away from the noise of what she now knew was the emergency room.  She had no privacy, but at least it was quiet.  As the nurse positioned her bed she was overwhelmed by nausea and vomited yet again, wretching violently and panicking as she struggled to breath.  She wanted this damn tube out of her throat and she wanted it out now!  The nurse was standing beside her, holding the basin for her and telling her to relax.  “Take this out!” she said as clearly as she could…..”take this thing out of my throat” she cried.  “Sorry hun, can’t do that. We still have three bottles of charcoal that need to be given to you and we put them in using the tube.”  The nurse was calm, friendly and made her feel better than she had in the emergency room.  But still, she felt like she was going to die of asphyxiation if she didn’t get this tube out of her throat.  The nurse gave her a bottle of charcoal.  As the black goo hit her stomach she began to vomit uncontrollably.  She couldn’t take it!  She had to have this tube out!  With single minded focus she grabbed the end that was projecting from her mouth and pulled for what seemed like an eternity, ignoring the nurse who was yelling at her to stop. 

Just as she pulled the last of the tube free from her mouth the nurse, now angry and frustrated, said “Ok, you see this charcoal?  Now you have to drink it!  If you don’t, the tube goes back in and I can tell you it won’t be pleasant while you’re awake!”

 “I don’t care, give it to me.  As long as I don’t have to have that thing in my throat I don’t care!” she said as she took the large 16 oz bottle from the nurse. 

Thankfully it was peppermint flavored, but the black, thick liquid smelled, tasted and felt more noxious than anything she’d ever had to force down her throat.  But she was NOT going to allow them to put that tube back in her, so if it was the last thing she ever did she was going to drink this stuff; and drink it she did.

After she’d managed to get down the two bottles that she was required to drink, which she did without complaint, the nurse stood by her shaking her head.  “You must really have a will to live.  In the 23 years I’ve worked here I’ve never had anyone drink this stuff.”  The nurse smiled, warming her heart and making her feel better than she’d felt in months.  “Ok hun.  You’re done with the worst of it.  How’d you end up here anyway?”  She told her the story, what she knew of it anyway, and enjoyed the company of a woman who seemed to genuinely care.  When the nurse left she reflected on her words; “you must really have a will to live” she’d said.  Yes, a will to live….she DID want to live.  How had she allowed things to get so out of control that she’d nearly succeeded at taking her own life?  She didn’t want to die.  She didn’t want to leave her daughter.  She didn’t want to hurt her family.  She did want to live, and as soon as she got out of here she was going to start living.  She was going to be happy.  She was going to make major changes.

Well, I did go home and make major changes.  My father picked me up from the hospital when I was discharged.  I honestly have no idea how long I was in there, I’m guessing two full days, but I could be wrong.  My dad reluctantly took me back to my boyfriend’s house after picking me up, because that is where I was living, and that is where I needed to go; it was home, regardless of what had happened.  But in my mind I’d already made the decision that it was time to get healthy, happy and wise.  While I was in the hospital I had made the conscious decision and commitment to change the way I was living my life.  Some people have commented that God works in mysterious ways, or that God was watching out for me.  Perhaps He wanted me to accomplish something more and gave me a second chance at life.  Maybe I was just REALLY fortunate that I didn’t die and that my boyfriend found me before I was beyond help.  I don’t know that I can attribute any of this to God or fate or destiny.  I tend to think that I was just really, really lucky.   It was the second time in my young life that I was able to take a really unhealthy and potentially disastrous situation and use it to get out of a horrible lifestyle.  I did it.  I made the decision.  I took immediate action.  I made the commitment to make the changes.  I worked hard to stay the course after taking the initial steps.  I did not rely on anyone but myself to accomplish what I had set out to do.  I did not call myself a Christian at that time and I did not pray or rely on God to help me along.  In this case I am completely unwilling to say that something greater than I saved me.  In my mind I will always believe – no, I will always know that it was ME who changed my life for the better.  I found the strength from within myself to completely alter my lifestyle, to cut all ties with my social group, to permanently change my activities and my focus.  I knew what needed to be done and I did it.  I didn’t need any guidance or a support group; I instinctively and intuitively KNEW what needed to be done, and I set about doing it at once, without reservation, without hesitation and without any doubt that I could successfully get my life back in order.  I have gotten my life back in order.  It’s been twelve years since this event took place and I have never gone back to the lifestyle that I was in during that period of my life.  The drugs, alcohol, and abusive relationships that I’d been toying with for years were banished from my life, never to return.  I have no shame, but I will be eternally grateful that I was given the chance to grow and learn from it.  It’s funny though because although I have had no trouble dealing with it and using it as the catalyst to improve my life, none of my family, or the boyfriend in it, has ever wanted discuss the details.  It’s been years since this occurred and still to this day I only know bits and pieces of what happened after I’d passed out.  While I was packing to move out of that house I was asking my boyfriend some questions about what had happened and he got angry and said it was all behind us now and could we please forget that it had happened.  I guess that is how he needed to deal with it…..or NOT deal with it.  My dad says little when I talk about this event in front of him.  I think he’s still uncomfortable with the knowledge that he almost lost his first born child.  From what I know, I was grey and stiff and cold when they found me four hours after ingesting all that junk.  I was on the floor between my bed and the wall, and when my boyfriend found me he called my father to come help him get me to the hospital.  They drove me the 45 minutes it took to get there, talking to me, holding my hands, wondering if I would make it.  I suppose it was a hell of a lot more traumatic for them than it was for me.  It was so traumatic that none of them even came to see me while I was there.  At the time I thought it was weird, but now I just figure they couldn’t deal with it, and so they didn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  We all do what we need to do in order to survive emotional catastrophe.  I did what I needed to do, and they did what they needed to do.  And so life goes on…….but then, doesn’t it always? 

Understand yourself in order to better understand others.

As you can tell from the amount of time between this post and my last, I’ve been struggling to find the time to write.  Well, in all honesty I guess it isn’t so much that I’ve been having a hard time “finding” the time so much as it has been difficult to “make” the time.  You see, I don’t know anything about this particular topic; I don’t understand myself at all, so how in the world can I write about something I have no familiarity with and actually have it make any sense, or touch anyone with what I’m saying?  On top of it all I’ve been busy with the holidays and work, and I haven’t wanted to rush through a post as important as this one, so I’ve simply put it off.  Although now that I really think about it, I suppose I haven’t been any busier than normal, it just feels that way.  I suppose it could simply be that I’ve used “busy” as an excuse to put off writing something I don’t feel qualified to write about.   When it comes right down to it, I guess I know what the problem is: I’m really stressed.  When I’m feeling stressed and unstable it sucks all of the creative juices right out of me and I have a hard time doing anything at all.  Of course, not doing anything simply compounds the problem because I’m doing nothing to resolve whatever it is that I’m worrying about, and so I sit in the quagmire of my mind allowing things to fester and ooze.  But then, what do I know, I’m just an overly emotional, easily upset, wishy washy female.  So I think I’ll take a different tactic with this post and simply tell you about my week this week since it’s evident that I’m clueless when it comes to understanding myself or anyone else for that matter.

About two months ago I began bartending at an exquisite little Italian restaurant a few nights a week.  The woman who had been their full-time bartender was looking for another job because she simply wasn’t making enough as a single mother of two to support herself there, and although she adored the job, it just wasn’t realistic for her to stay.  For a number of weeks I trained under her, working quite closely with her and dreading every moment of it because she is a rather obnoxious control freak.  But I had to admire her for the amount of “love” she had for “her” bar and all that went into making the customers feel welcome and important.  She had little patience for my foibles as I struggled to learn the ins and outs of “from scratch” drink mixing and attempted to mix some rather unique concoctions with the consistency that she was hoping to maintain between the four different bartenders that worked there.  She is most definitely a perfectionist and a most ungracious mentor with standards that seem to me to be a bit ridiculous. 

Once she took her new job, she continued to work one night a week and took it upon herself to find fault with all that I’d done between her shifts.  I’d taken over all the liquor and wine ordering, creating the weekly drink features (all of which are based on our house infusions, which I also took over management of), creating our seasonal drink specials (house specialties of course), and so on.  It’s an incredibly satisfying job, and once I was actually given the creative license to mix new and unique potions, it was easy to see why she loved it so much.  It’s interesting as well to note that now that the drinks we feature are MINE, when someone likes or dislikes them it’s almost a personal reflection on me and how successful I’ll be in the job. Will I be sought after?  Will people spread the word about how fantastic the drinks are and encourage their friends to stop in?  Or will people complain about the quality of their drinks and decide that the $8.00 feature they just downed was far from being worth it?  What will my reputation be, and how will it affect the reputation of the establishment?  At any rate, I love the job, but I do not like the former bartender….I can do nothing right in her eyes and it irritates me to no end.

This past Saturday was the busiest night we’ve had in the two months since I began there.  We were two to three people deep at the bar, there were no open tables, and people were lined up out the door.  It’s the holidays you know, and people are drinking…a lot!  Consequently we began to run out of stuff.  The servers were irritated, and Julie (the former bartender I spoke of above) was filling in as the restaurant manager so that our manager could get away for a much needed night off.  Julie had neither spoke to me, nor made eye contact with me all night.  And as the night progressed and we ran out of more stuff, she began to placate the servers by telling them not to get mad at her, but to get mad at whoever it was that was ordering the liquor now (which she already knew to be me).  Every time I turned around she could be found bent close to a server’s ear making sure they knew who to blame for the fiasco of the night, which she also took pride in greatly blowing out of proportion.  I wanted to punch her in the mouth.  Not only was she undermining me in front of the staff I now worked with, she was blaming our inability to keep up with the business that night on me as well.  To make matters worse, the more infuriated with her I became, the more I began to make mistakes, and the more mistakes I made the more infuriated I became…it was a downward spiraling vicious circle which I realized needed to end immediately or I was going to have to walk out or confront her.  Knowing that a confrontation was not going to resolve anything, I began to think of ways that I might be able to diffuse the situation.  Since it was obvious that her biggest issue was the fact that we should NEVER run out of liquor, and since she new that I was the one that was doing the ordering, I decided to approach it head on with an “I know you know” kind of thing.  So, during a short lull I swallowed my ego, stopped her, and the following conversation ensued:

Me: “As you know, I’m the one who’s been doing the liquor ordering.” 

Julie: “Yes, I know.”  (said with a sneer)

Me: “Obviously I’ve done a poor job of it or we wouldn’t have run out of so much tonight.  But since I’ve worked here, we’ve never had a night like this… things have been rather slow… and my orders have been based on the level of demand I’ve experienced.  Anyway, since it’s obvious that I grossly under ordered for this weekend, what advice or information can you give me to help me avoid this in the future?”

Immediately her face lost its bitter grimace and she made eye contact with me for the first time in four hours.

Me: “I’ve been relying on [the manager’s] feedback each week to help me determine whether I’m doing alright or not.  I show him the order before it’s made along with our current inventory count, and then go from there based on what he says.” 

Julie: (Laughing) “[the manager] ALWAYS errs on the side of ordering too lean…don’t trust his judgment if you want the bar to run smoothly.  What I always did, and what always worked well is……..”

And she went on to explain to me how she ran the bar and all the little tricks she’d discovered for avoiding the type of situation we’d found ourselves in that night.  The information was hugely beneficial to me and I told her so, along with the statement that I’d immediately change the way I was ordering.

What I learned from the interaction was that Julie needed to be needed.  In her mind, this was still HER bar, and the issues were reflecting back on her even though she wasn’t the one in charge of things anymore.  She missed being there, she missed the creative outlet she had had for over a year, she missed being in charge, and she missed the attention and accolades that went along with the job.  It all hit me like a train as we were talking and I finally realized that she and I were getting angry about the very same things: having our competency called into question.  The only difference was that I finally recognized it, and she never did.  But figuring it all out allowed me to deal with her instead of react to her and allowed me to change the climate for the entire staff.  Julie got what she needed from our conversation and as a direct result immediately quit making snide remarks, became a lot less uptight and caustic, and began to enjoy her evening; the turnaround was remarkable.  At the end of the night I offered to make her the free “employee Christmas drink” we were all entitled to that night, which amazingly she took me up on.  I anticipated that she would want to make it herself since she IS, after all, the best bartender in the place…but maybe she doesn’t really think that, maybe I’m the only one who thinks she thinks it.  But then, what do I know?  I don’t even understand myself, let alone understand anyone else.

Take control of your destiny.

Your destiny is determined by the choices you make.  If your choices are made with little thought, your life will unfold haphazardly and with little rhyme or reason.  Like spinning a roulette wheel, you will bounce here and there, falling into ruts, and bouncing over obstacles until one day you just kind of drop into the final slot of your dizzy little affair.  “What happened?”, you’ll wonder as you discover that 23 red is your final resting place.  Though nothing will ever play out exactly as you want it to, there are ways to make sure that you aren’t wandering through life enslaved by whim or swayed by the direction of the wind. 

·        What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.

Leo Buscaglia

Do you choose life?  Do you choose happiness?  Do you choose inner peace and satisfaction?  These were choices I was consciously forced to make when I was twenty-four because the result of not having made them earlier in life landed me in the hospital, malnourished, strung out from chronic drug use, battling depression, and struggling to deal with the effects of an abusive relationship. Believe me, in all the dreams I’d had for my future, overdosing and nearly dying was not part of them. When I was past the danger of losing my life, I had to ask myself what it was that I wanted.  For many years all I could come up with in response was “to live”.  But I continued to ask myself this question over the years and finally, when I was thirty-one, it hit me like a ton of bricks…what I wanted was inner peace and a sense of fulfillment.  Both answers (the one at 24 and the one at 31) served as guide posts and as measures to weigh my decisions against.  With them, I took control of my destiny, took charge of my life, and accepted personal responsibility for the outcome.  They have served me well, and have assisted me in making difficult decisions with the potential for enormously uncomfortable results.  Without the goal “to achieve inner peace”, I would never have divorced my second husband.  I had been a stay-at-home mom for nearly eight years, had no source of income and no one living near by to help me through the transition to being a single mother.  But I knew that if I remained married to this man, I would never have the ability to achieve the inner peace I was in such desperate need of, and so, clinging tenaciously to my ideal, I stepped out of my comfort zone, and had faith that things would be alright when it was far beyond reason to believe such a thing.  But here I am, having overcome physical death at 24, and overcome emotional death at 33, to tell you that you MUST take control of your destiny.  Every second of every day you have the unavoidable task of making choices that will determine where you end up, and you will always end up exactly where you’ve chosen to go; make sure you choose wisely, take control of your destiny, and do not settle for the grab bag of life.

Stop procrastinating.

One of my all-time favorite books is “The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management” by Hyrum W. Smith; the book is SO much more than what the title claims it is; just another time management book.  In between the pages of this wonderful book I discovered a number of key concepts that have been instrumental in propelling me forward in my writing and speaking career.  One of those concepts (or Natural Laws as Hyrum calls them) was aptly given the heading, “You control your life by controlling your time”.  The principle is simple: We all have the same amount of time in a day, but how each of us chooses to use that time makes the difference in what we each are able to accomplish.  Procrastination was important enough to warrant its own sub-section, which is easy to understand since so many of us are afflicted by this disease.

“Putting it off” has probably caused more heartache and failure than all other time management problems combined.  Opportunity knocks just as often at the procrastinator’s door as at anyone else’s.  But the procrastinator doesn’t answer.

Hyrum W. Smith

 I am the queen of procrastination.  There seem to be a million little things that hang me up, make me question myself, and cause me to sit and stare blankly into space as my mind argues with itself.  I call this paralysis of the mind, because even though my mind is working overtime sorting through the details, it is in essence paralyzed by the self-induced data overload.  This has become such a huge problem for me that it’s almost as if I’m addicted to the stress that I put myself through while I fight with myself to actually DO what I know I need to do.  I can’t tell you how much I respect people who take immediate and decisive action right when it needs to be taken.  

My ex-husband is not the smartest of guys, nor does he have the greatest personality for a manager (he doesn’t compromise or delegate or listen to other people’s ideas), but he is HIGHLY successful.  Why?  Because he never, ever procrastinates.  He is the most focused, decisive person you’ll ever meet, and it has worked to propel him to a place in his industry he literally shouldn’t be.  He didn’t have the education or the experience to get him where he is, but he had the mentality and tenacity to do what needed to be done regardless of what was thrown at him.  He went from a retail sales clerk in a small, backwoods Massachusetts sporting goods store to THE buyer’s manager for the largest archery distributor in the US.  He is living his dream and loving every single moment of it, not because he was the best qualified, or the most educated, but because he never gives up.  There is one, and only one, quality that I admire about this man, and it is his ability to get things done when they need to be done – without hesitation.

Don’t give up, don’t give in, Just do it, Make it happen, and Stop procrastinating…..this concept is SO important that it’s been repeated in a number of different ways over the course of this series.  What ever it takes, get off your butt and do what needs to be done NOW.  Don’t put it off until tomorrow, because tomorrow might not come.  Don’t wait until the time is right, because it will never be right.  Keep trying, no matter how hard it seems, because with practice it will get easier!  Now, if I could only take my own advice!!!!

Read, study and learn about everything important to your life.

There is a very interesting debate going on over at Zen’s space, one which I believe illustrates this concept exceptionally well.  Though there seem to be many differing opinions on the subject being discussed there, the ideas that are being shared are exceptionally valuable because they are making everyone THINK.  We often fail to look critically at the beliefs that we hold and remain in a relatively oblivious state to that which drives our actions and emotions.  We do things BECAUSE….and that’s where it stops.  There is no understanding in “BECAUSE”, and there is no questioning about whether the underlying belief is valuable or not.

In order to grow intellectually, emotionally, and personally, we must question why we believe what we do and whether that belief is a healthy influence in our lives.  But in order to be able to look at this we must continue to expose ourselves to new ideas, new concepts, and expand our knowledge of the world around us.  If something is important to you, learning more about it provides you with the opportunity to understand how to use it more effectively, or more beneficially, and just as importantly it provides contrasting view points that can be used to weigh your own against. 

In the context of achieving ones dreams, this critical analysis and intellectual growth are imperative because they are the keys that unlock the secret to how one actually CAN achieve ones dreams. 

·         The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Albert Einstein 

We will encounter obstacles as we move forward with our lives, and we will encounter obstacles as we work towards achieving our dreams, but we will never be able to solve them unless we commit ourselves to the process of expanding our minds, our knowledge, and our understanding.

This process has been proven in my own life many times over.  I’ve struggled with various patterns of behavior and reasoning that were undermining my ability to achieve healthy relationships, healthy habits, and a healthy lifestyle.  I couldn’t understand why I kept running up against the same types of frustrating issues, and ending up with the same kind of frustrating end results in everything that I did.  First I had to recognize that it was my own patterns that were creating these reoccurring results, and that if I didn’t change the way I did things, I wouldn’t be able to change the way things were turning out.  So I began to study various self-help books, and as I did I began to have “ah-ha” moments…those moments when the light bulb goes on and you FINALLY understand how to break free of a self-defeating cycle of behavior.  Each “ah-ha” moment fueled a greater desire in me to know more, and so I studied more fervently, reading everything I could get my hands on, joining discussion groups, and going to seminars and workshops.  The changes that began to occur in my life were profound; lifelong cycles of negative behavior were broken, tenaciously held beliefs that were undermining my happiness were rooted out, and the willingness to look critically at myself was nurtured.  I can only explain this process as a “glorious awakening”, like when you wake up from a bad dream and recognize life doesn’t have to be the way it was played out behind your closed eyes.

We must strive to raise our level of thinking, to increase our awareness, to improve our behavior, and to understand our beliefs.   Like a pond that requires either filtration or a stream of fresh water flowing into it to keep it clean and clear, so to our minds require fresh ideas in order to keep them lucid and life supporting.    

I think before we go any further, a clarification should be made about what is being referred to when you read the word “dreams” in these entries.  Many people are chasing the “American Dream” and automatically assume that anything they “dream of” (winning the lottery, buying all the toys, owning 2 cars and the BIG house, making more money, climbing the corporate ladder, or the whole finding fame and fortune deal) is what is being discussed here.  But that isn’t what I’m referring to at all. 

By dreams, we're talking about that thing that whispers to you quietly in the night and begs you to put everything aside and follow it, or that niggling feeling that you could be making a difference in someone’s life if only you could do …., it’s that which coaxes and convinces you to believe that there is more to life than just the chaotic grind. What we're talking about is our PURPOSE in life, which when acknowledged and pursued, is the only thing that can lead one to TRUE fulfillment. Like I said, we’re not talking about fame, fortune, or possessions, we’re talking about that which makes us feel completely and totally satisfied, grateful, and fulfilled. 

Some of you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about because you’ve buried that dream so deeply you don’t even recognize it any longer.  It’s there, but because of the responses that the people in your life have given you, you’ve allowed yourself to be convinced that it is just a crazy dream, something to be forgotten or tucked away so that you can get on with the hectic, unfulfilling life you are “supposed” to be leading. 

Others of you know exactly what I’m talking about because you have begun the pursuit of it and run into people telling you that you’re crazy, it can’t be done, or it can’t be done like that, or you’re not being responsible, or, or, or….. yes, you know because you’re struggling to hang onto that dream in spite of all the resistance against it.

Life is BIGGER than this.  You can not convince me that our sole purpose for being is simply to exist, to muddle along, and to endure the drudgery.  I don’t believe it and I won’t believe it.  Someone out there needs what we have to offer, we have the message, or the vision, or the touch, or the patient ear that someone else needs.  We have a purpose, and that purpose is to share our experiences, our knowledge, our lessons learned, our love, our passion, our desire; ourselves.  What is your purpose?  What is your dream?  What do you truly want out of life?  Keep asking yourself these questions, and peel back the layers until you know exactly what it is that you really, really, want to be doing.  What is it that matters the most to you?  Are you doing it? 

Though this is kind of unrelated, I think it is still a valuable message, so I'm going to finish this post with a link to a story I listened to the other night as told by Earl Nightingale entitled:  Acres of Diamonds.

http://www.nightingale.com/tearl_nightingale_audio.asp

ADDENDUM TO TODAYS POST:

So, guess what happened to me this morning: I got an overdraft notice from my bank. It seems my ability to balance my checkbook accurately is a bit faulty. First thought that popped into my head is that I need to get a REAL job. But then I'd have to put my dream on the back burner because I wouldn't have the time or motivation to keep up with writting. SO....the never ending conundrum is: do I follow my dream and scratch by, or do I give up my dream for financial "security"? It sucks that we have to make these kinds of choices, but it only took a second of contemplation before I decided I'm just going to have to keep scratching because I"m NOT giving up my dream.

It's not easy no matter which choice you make, but one eventually leads to inner peace and fulfillment, and the other does not.

Quitters never win and winners never quit.

Why do people quit trying to do something that they feel is important or valuable?  We are a fickle lot of creatures aren’t we?  It makes no sense to me how something can be overwhelmingly important, SO important that I pour all of my energy and spare time into accomplishing what ever it is, and then, like a light switch, I shut off my feelings about it and no longer think of it as “incredibly important”.   In fact, it becomes so unimportant that I shuffle it to the back of my mind, hide it in the closet there, and promptly forget about it. 

Quitting, though, is not necessarily a sign that the thing that we were striving towards is now unimportant; it is more often a sign that we’re overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained.  It’s just too damn hard to continue struggling towards that which seems so far beyond our grasp.  And so, to avoid feeling like failures, we quit before too much damage is done either to our credibility or to our self-esteem; we cut our loses, we quit trying, and we turn our attention to something else that seems more “attainable”, more “reasonable”, or more “doable”. 

The problem with quitting is that every time we quit trying to do something, it is that much harder to actually accomplish the things that follow.  The damage is done to our self-esteem the minute we decide to give up!  All of the sudden our focus changes from trying to do that which is truly important to us, to focusing on that which is easy to do.  And believe me, nothing is easy to do, it all requires commitment, decisions, and action, no matter how “hard” or “easy”, the process is the same.  Not only that, but the things which are “easy” aren’t necessarily satisfying or fulfilling, and often lead to an even greater sense of frustration and total lack of life achievement.

When we are dreaming our dreams and making plans to pursue them, we need to recognize a few things that will help us continue through the difficulties we’ll face in the process:

1. Gratification comes from achieving things that have required our time, talent, and effort.  There is nothing that can give us a sense of fulfillment, purpose, and immense satisfaction more than that which we’ve worked hard to accomplish.  Inner peace grows from these seeds only and from nowhere else.
2. Quitting, for whatever reason, will undermine our ability to accomplish anything of value that follows.  Often we quit just short of recognizing our dreams, and if we’d only held in there a little longer the rewards of our efforts would’ve been in our hands.  But by quitting, by giving up, we’ve sown the seeds of discontentment, frustration, and ultimately anger.

Winners don’t quit, and that is how they have become that which they are…winners.  Though I hate using the term “win” when it comes to discussing our dreams, it is an easily understood example.  You create your life by the choices you make, the commitment you have, the obstacles you’ve overcome, and you “win” the rewards of such a life by having never given up the good fight. 

·         
If you believe in what you are doing, then let nothing hold you up in your work. Much of the best work of the world has been done against seeming impossibilities. The thing is to get the work done.

Dale Carnegie

·          You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

Margaret Thatcher

·          People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.

Norman Vincent Peale

Open your eyes and see things as they really are.

Have you ever wanted to grab someone by the shoulders, shake them up a little, and yell “wake up, open your eyes….can’t you see what’s going on here?!”  Why is it so hard for us to see what’s really going on?  Why can’t we look at a situation without seeing only what we want to, or what we expect, or without reading more into it than what’s really there? 

Somewhere along the journey of my childhood I became a very guarded person.  Nearly every comment that was made to me was taken as a personal attack, a put down, or as questioning my character and intellect.  My interactions with others constantly kept me on the defensive because I trusted very few people and was always waiting for the inevitable fight.  And with this expectation I ALWAYS found it.  For many years I failed to recognize that I was my own worst enemy, creating tension and adversity where none truly existed.  But it DID exist, at least in my mind.  In hindsight I have to laugh at the faces of those who thought I was truly an idiot, and who most likely wondered what the heck was wrong with me.  I created mountains out of mole hills, interpreting the most innocent of comments as the battle cry of my enemy.  And believe me, I was always prepared for a fight and would rush out with both barrels blazing in the blink of an eye.  I’m quite certain many people found me to be quite an offensive person; easily irritated, and quick to bite.  As the years went by I had fewer and fewer friends, relationships that were so co-dependant and riddled with animosity they rivaled what you see on Jerry Springer, and a life that was spiraling out of control.  At my worst I’d come to hate everyone, including myself…and of course I hated my life. I dreamed of leaving everything and everyone behind; I wanted to run away, disappear, start over somewhere else, and I blamed everyone but myself for the way I was feeling.  And I did “runaway”, repeatedly… I ran away from one town to another, from one job to another, from one social group to another and the more I ran, the more I began to realize I wasn’t getting anywhere.  No matter where I went, what I did, or who I hung out with the issues were the same, and life sucked just as much.  Slowly it began to dawn on me that the issues I was running away from were MY issues, and a long, much needed conversation with my mother one night confirmed for me that my suspicions were correct.  I remember her telling me that we couldn’t run away from our issues, we had to meet them head on and resolve them or they’d never go away.  The light bulb finally came on and I began to accept responsibility for the quality of my life.

That simple dawning awareness was the beginning of my being able to see things for what they really were.  Instead of reacting to people and events, I began to analyze them.  Instead of blaming, I began to question.  Finally I began to search out the knowledge and awareness I needed to UNDERSTAND myself and the world around me.  Later I discovered that just being aware of what was going on wasn’t good enough, and took the final step which was to look for healthier ways to view things, and healthier ways to respond to that which I became aware of.  

It’s taken much practice, but the results have been well worth the effort.  Not only have I changed dramatically, but the quality of my life has improved a million times over.   I have a long way to go, but I’ve also come a long way from where I was….and it has been (and continues to be) a good journey.  What I’ve learned is that to see things for what they are, you have to be willing to stop looking through the lenses that your expectations and past experiences have created. 

·         Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Brian Tracy

·         We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect.

Henry David Thoreau

·         There are many more wrong answers than right ones, and they are easier to find.

Michael Friedlander

Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.

I recently read an article on “white lies” and how people lie constantly.  It went on to say that even those little “harmless” lies that we tell are detrimental to our ability to discern the truth at a very fundamental level, ESPECIALLY when we’re the ones doing the lying.  While we are in the process of bending the truth and manipulating what others think, we are also manipulating what WE think at the subconscious level.  Our lies have the power to rewrite our memories and our understanding of the very things we are lying about.  Though this may not sound all that bad, it pulls us away from self-awareness and quickly throws us into a fog of confusion about why things are the way they are…but I digress and really must get back to the point of this post.

When we talk about lying, cheating and striking a fair deal, I think innately we know these things are important.  The adage “Cheaters never win” isn’t just an old wives tale, but a hard fast law of the universe.  On the surface it may appear that cheaters are getting the goods, but take a look deeper and you recognize that they aren’t.  There is no satisfaction in cheating…it may produce the gold, but it does nothing to nurture authentic self-love.  And when it is recognized by others that one is a cheater, the loss of trust, support, encouragement, respect, and character are guaranteed.  It’s a downward spiral from there, and anger, frustration, resentment, and spitefulness grow increasingly.

Being honest, never cheating or stealing and always striking a fair deal is important for more reasons than just being trusted and liked.  Yes, being known for our character and integrity is vital in obtaining the support and resources we need to achieve our dreams, but that is just scratching the surface of what we get from it.  At the very deepest level being fair and honest makes us feel good, and it improves our optimism and trust about others which is vitally important in the development of a healthy sense of self and building healthy relationships with others.  Though we may not have gotten what we could’ve had we been dishonest in our actions or words, the ultimate feel good does not come from “getting” but from having done what was right.  When you can sleep with yourself at night, there is a sense of inner peace that no one can take away.  And when you truly believe that life is fair, the optimism you are nurturing is one of the most powerful tools you can have to overcome adversity when it presents itself.

Last but not least, let me express the opinion that when people treat each other fairly and strive to create win/win situations, the world is changed for the better.  Being on either end of a win/win deal improves everyone’s outlook on life in general, and supports the concept of “Pay it forward”.  And with that said, I’ll recommend a movie to you entitled, you guessed it, Pay It Forward.

Note: For information on this must see movie go to: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/

Make it happen.

Make it happen!?  What kind of profound advice is this????  Don’t you know that there are a million things standing in my way?  First and foremost is the giving up of my secure (though not necessarily great) life.  In order to pursue my dreams I’d have to change my career, or rearrange my schedule, or find more time in the day, or move, or go back to school, or convince my family this is what I really need to do, or work harder at it, or find the money, or, or, or……

And so it goes.  We talk ourselves out of pursuing our dreams each and every waking moment for one reason or another, and we continue to wish for something more fulfilling all the while refusing to actually pursue it.  I’m sorry, but there are no stars born overnight, there are no dreams which miraculously appear upon waking, there is no satisfying quick fix, and wishing it to happen doesn’t make it so.  If you want something awesome to happen, but refuse to work at encouraging it to do so, go blow your money on lottery tickets…you’ll have more chance of beating the odds there than you will in achieving your dreams. 

All of this may sound rather harsh, but I can tell you from first hand experience that nothing truly satisfying and fulfilling will happen in your life without the conscious effort and commitment to bringing it about.  Like I said, I KNOW this, I’ve not only seen it occurring in other peoples lives, but I’ve experienced it first hand in my own life.

My mother was a wonderful woman.  She was kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and very, very talented.  What she taught me growing up, however, was of great disservice to me….and ultimately to her as well.  My mother believed that God wanted only good things for us; health, happiness, success, peace of mind, and a fulfilling life, all of which I believe as well.  She also believed that God would provide all that she needed (which I believe as well) and that all she had to do was to wait for it (and this is where our view points diverge).  She dabbled in this and dabbled in that, and her talent for everything she set her hand to was unarguable.  But she never set her mind to creating the life she believed God wanted for her, she never committed herself to following through with the endeavors that brought her a sense of satisfaction, and she could never seem find that happiness and peace of mind that she so desperately wanted.  She talked about it endlessly; the possibilities, the hope she had, and the patience required of her in waiting for the “good life”.  Ultimately she died a very lonely, very unsuccessful, and completely impoverished woman at the tender age of 54. 

It made me nuts to listen to all of her excuses for not pursuing her dreams; it wasn’t supposed to be so hard, she didn’t have the financial resources, she couldn’t imagine how she’d meet the demand for her “product”, she was being taken advantage of, she didn’t have the help she needed, there wasn’t space enough in her apartment to set up a “real” studio, her husband (my step father) wasn’t supportive, it wasn’t the right time, and last but not least, it must not be the thing God was truly calling her to do.  I can remember telling her repeatedly to stop worrying and just make it happen, but she always ended up floundering, giving up, and wallowing in her fear and doubt.  With every failed effort, with bills piling up, and with her growing uneasiness as to how she was going to support herself, she’d emphatically state: “God will provide me with everything I need.”  It seemed complete lunacy to me…God WAS providing her with what she needed; talent, passion, vision, creativity, and people with connections in abundance.  What she was failing to do was recognize that she already had the tools and resources she needed, AND that she had to USE these things to create the life she dreamed of.  Though I can see it all clearly with my mom, I don’t see it quite as clearly for myself….but I know I’ve fallen into a very similar trap: procrastination, doubt, fear, and a long list of excuses.

It reminds me of a story that goes something like this: 

There was a man who was stranded in his home during a flood.  As the water surrounded his house, a truck came by, filled with people, and they offered to take him to safety.  The man turned them down with the statement that God would save him.  The water began to rise and the man climbed to the roof of his house.  Then a man in a boat came by and offered to take him to safety.  But the man turned him down with the statement that God would save him.  The water continued to rise, and soon he was standing in it as it submerged his house.  Then a helicopter came by and offered to fly him to safety, but the man turned it down with the statement that God would save him.  When the water had reached his neck and he was about to drown he cried out to God “why haven’t you saved me?”  God responded to him, “I’ve sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?”

There have been times in my life (those really big “defining moments”) where I’ve recognized that I had to DO something, I had to make things change, and I’ve done it.  And there have been times in my life (also those really big “defining moments”) when all I’ve done is sat back passively and waited for something to happen.  I am in one of those moments currently where I recognize that something has to be done….and yet I find myself struggling to take action because my laundry list of reasons not to seems overwhelming.  I know from past experience that all that is required is for me to set my mind to it….so, come on now me, make it happen!

Love yourself first and most.

Loving yourself is not the same as having a big ego (typically a sign of low self-love and esteem), nor is it the same as independence (typically a response to feeling too dependent on, or let down by others).  True self-love stems from a clear recognition of ones self- worth and value as a contributing member in ones family, community, society, and the world as a whole.  But at the core, loving oneself means that we have committed ourselves to the process of becoming self-aware (recognizing what it is that we need to feel whole, complete and fulfilled), and that we accept the personal responsibility of creating the life that we feel called to live.  Love also means that we trust ourselves, ultimately turning to our own intuition and wisdom to find the answers and direction that only we can know for assisting us in creating a life of purpose, intention, and true fulfillment. 

We live in a culture that has taught us to value the opinions and experiences of others more than our own, and in the process we have failed to learn how to love ourselves, trust ourselves, and follow our own dreams (aka purpose).  The advice and mentoring that others can provide is by no means invaluable, but it should only be used a tool to help guide us in the discovery of what works best for us. 

·         If the things we believe in are different than the things that we do, there can be no true happiness.

Dana Telford

Learning to truly love and accept ourselves is one of the most difficult things to accomplish; it requires us to accept our faults as well as our strengths, and to recognize the value in both our failures and accomplishments.  It also requires that we live moment by moment, free of should haves and could haves, and fully aware of each and every defining moment.  Last, but by no means least, it requires us to recognize that EVERY moment is a defining moment in our lives; every moment is a moment to shine, to learn, to grow, to be more intentional, and to be ourselves.   

·         Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had tried to do it over again, I’d have more of them.  I’d try to have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

Nadine Stair, age eighty-five

When we don’t love ourselves, the desire for acceptance and permission dictates our actions.   When we do love ourselves, we create a life that brings us in alignment with what we believe our purpose is.  When we don’t love ourselves, we place the burden of our happiness on others.  When we do love ourselves, we find happiness in spite of others.  When we don’t love ourselves, we are constantly seeking ways to get away.  When we do love ourselves, we never need a break from the life that we’re living.  Loving ourselves provides us with the incentive we all need to do the things that nurture our wellbeing, warm our heart and sooth our soul.   Take a look at your life, right now, and ask yourself: Am I taking time for myself?  Am I doing things that bring me a sense of inner peace and balance?  Am I taking care of my self BEFORE I get sick, depressed, and resentful, or am I only attending to my needs in response to these conditions?  Do I recognize that these conditions are the signs that a change in focus is required? 

It took me many, many years of conscious effort to be able to finally answer “Yes” to these questions.  But even now, after having experienced the benefits of loving myself, it continues to be work I have to do with great diligence.  Loving ourselves is no easy task, especially when our focus is continually drawn outside of ourselves by the demands of an unloving, ungrateful, and unhappy world.   

·         Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, save one -- neglect.

James D. Bryden

Do not neglect yourself.  Take time to appreciate, to respect, to understand, and to nurture YOU.  Pursue your purpose in life, know that you are worthy of the accomplishment, and forever find the love that you so desperately desire.

Just do it.

Thank you Nike™ (insert tone of sarcasm here)!  Regardless of the fact that an international manufacturer of shoes has told us we can, I still get hung up on this key point.  I think about it, I plan it out, I dream about it, I talk about it, I ponder over it, I worry about it….and then I sit back and tell myself: OK, now do it!  But then I don’t.  It is the most frustrating cycle:  I know I can, I may even have done it before….so why is it so hard for me to DO? 

This summer Zen and I took a trip with some friends to a cabin up-state.  Down the road was a bridge spanning a beautiful river, and everyone decided to jump off the bridge into the water below.  Haha….not me!  You all can jump if you want to, but I’m going to stay right here, on firm ground, and enjoy sticking my toes in the water from the bank.  This is how I approach everything it seems…from the bank, where it’s safe, and if I want to swim the “leap” is nothing more than a wade. 

Being a person of action is something I’ve been striving for; I know it is a vital key to my success.  If we never take action, we’ll never get anywhere, no matter how badly we want it.  Believe me, I KNOW this one from personal experience, and yet I still get hung up on it. 

·         Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.

Anais Nin  

·         To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.

Anatole France  

·         Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

Benjamin Disraeli  

·         Skill to do comes of doing

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quite honestly there is nothing holding us back…. accept ourselves.  There is nothing that can prevent us from doing what we need to do, or ought to do, or desire to do, accept the lack of conscious decision TO DO.  If we’re waiting for the right time, it will never come.  If we’re waiting for someone to give us permission, we’ll never get it.  If we’re waiting because we’re scared, we’ll never overcome the fear.  We must DECIDE to do it, and then forge ahead, against all odds, in spite of our doubts or fears, in the face of adversity, all the while lacking the necessary experience.  Sound difficult?  Sound crazy? Yep…that’s why you have to JUST DO IT!  (Oh, and by the way....I did eventually jump off that bridge...TWICE no less.  And you know what?  The thought of jumping was FAR more scary than the jump itself.)